Fetishes, kinks and fantasies reveal part of the unconscious yet need to be understood. The issue is that people rarely are honest about that part of their lives, not only with other people but as well with themselves. We lived years of mental suppression of human sexuality, which made people unable to explore or reveal their sexuality uncensored. There are layers of complexity that made this topic one of the biggest taboos to discuss. And that’s exactly why I decided to write about fetishes, kinks, and fantasies this time.
Society has condemned sexuality to hide in the shadows of life, but why? One debated reason is that during the beginning of what we know as the human culture, there was an intention to control the frequency of sex due to its biological consequence of producing babies which were a problem due to the extension of the sexual maturity and life span of women and the decrease in the mortality rate of babies. Another reason is psychological; it is said that sex was a reminder of our animal nature. We dealt with our mortality by creating values that added sense to our lives and our animalistic nature was a threat to these values, which kept us from confronting the inevitability of our mortality. Additionally, if we think about it in a psychoeconomic way, we can see that human nature craves whatever taboo; the more scarce a concept is, the more we are willing to discover it and even pay for it. There are many industries built on sex, and there are billions generated. The idea that sex sells is a fact, and many industries benefited from it, simply sex got very profitable and there is no real intention to change our modern system.
Ancient civilizations' approach to sex was completely different, rather the opposite of what we have in modern life. Ancient India produced the first book on human sexuality, many people are familiar with “Kama Sutra” but are unaware that this Sanskrit text was more than a sex positions book. Actually, the book is a guide to the art of living, the nature of love & pleasure. The book consists of seven chapters that cover almost every possible aspect of Kama. The text discusses the object of human pursuit and mentions desire, sexuality, and emotional fulfillment as one of the proper goals of life. The text chapters address methods for courtship, the art to be socially engaging, finding a partner, flirting, maintaining power in a marriage, when and how to commit adultery, sexual positions, and even same-sex relationships. All this has been discussed openly around 400 BCE. Ancient Chinese were not shy about sex either, the Chinese literature was loaded with many sexual references. Even the Book of Changes, which is a spiritual book, emphasizes and used sex as one of the ways to explain the world. As well, we can thank ancient Japan for eroticism. Around the eighth century AD, Japan produced the first erotic novel called The Tale of Genji. Erotica was considered as a central art form for the nobility, similar to painting, and music. Even ancient Greece and Rome had a very liberal approach to sex before the arrival of Christianity. Similarly, the Arabic peninsula was very promiscuous before the Islamic era and had the opposite view on sexuality that it adopted after the spread of Islam.
Understanding the history of human sexuality is essential to understand fetishes and fantasies. Similarly to sex, fetishes, kinks, and fantasies are the result of early conditioning experiences or as a consequence of strong emotional or physical experiences. That doesn’t mean necessarily that these fetishes have negative psychological triggers but rather formed by non-sexual experiences a person found arousing during early life. And that is exactly why I opened my article with the statement, “Fetishes and fantasies reveal part of the unconscious yet need to be understood.” The same fetishes and kinks oftentimes driven by completely different triggers to different people, and it could satisfy them in completely different ways. First, exploring that and then understanding it can be revolutionary to that person. It is not only about the pleasure and the satisfaction resulted from the experience but as well the possibility of conscious revelation resulted from practicing freely what a person likes or truly desires. Another aspect rarely spoken of is bonding; level minded Fetishists/kinksters couples have a higher level of understanding and trust among them. Those couples are able to share their darkest secrets and desires without fear of judgment. They built up enough trust between them to be able to exercise extreme practices or be in helpless positions knowing that their partner will know what to do when it is needed to be done.
More and more in today’s life, we are warming up to the idea that fetishes are not deviations anymore, they are not pathology either. However, suppressing a fetish or worse trying conditioning it can cause psychological damages. Many Psychologists now believe having a fetish is actually healthy as long as it is expressed in a healthy way. Although the research and literature on this topic are very limited, it is widely believed that fetishists are healthier/happier than those who don’t have one. The reasons behind that are simple, couples who take part in fetishes are emotionally healthier because they have trust among themselves and possess a better ability to communicate their needs and desires and have to be very sensitive to the needs of their partner even without talking sometimes. Another reason that the same biochemicals in the brain released during sex like endorphins and serotonin also flood the brain during pain; therefore a little pain might improve the sexual experience and climax which promotes better healthy life ;)
As Frank Zappa said: “Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible,” and that’s what I deeply believe in life. It is important to explore life and go out of the path that was designed for us to discover new experiences, new feelings, and new destinations. These experiences might get a person closer to themselves, and if they are lucky enough to other people as well. Doing something unexpected or uncommon can be utterly refreshing. It revives the rebel inside of a person and makes them believe in their ability to reach new heights. It is one of the ways to freedom and divine. Even ancient India and China thought that sex can be a spiritual practice that allows people to attain enlightenment through pleasure. The whole concept of tantra in Hinduism and Buddhism was challenging standard religious practices similar to most of the fetishes that challenge social norms regarding sex. And similar to tantra, it focuses on “being.” However, how a person can use that focused energy and the state of being right here right now is completely dependent on their intentions. Some will use it to obtain a higher level of consciousness of themselves, their psyche, and their partner. Others will use it to distract from themselves and even possibly use it against others. That doesn’t mean fetishes/kinks are pathological, rather the way it is used by some can be destructive, like anything else in this life. That’s exactly why we shouldn’t look at fetishes in a pejorative way.
Fetishes are another way to rebel against the tutelage of society; it is a chance to feel omnipotent in one's life and exercise their own ultimate freedom without fear of judgment or punishment. It is an extreme act of love, trust, and even spirituality. But it remains limited to those with a great deal of equanimity and valor.
I am into what I am into, you are into what you are into. We don’t have to agree on our preferences, and if you are happy and do no harm to others, then go on and indulge yourself.
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