An Experiment called "Life"

“Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?”

At some period of my life, I adopted stoicism. I was in a lot of pain. Stoicism philosophy helped me to be mentally tough, resilient, and content. I managed to go through hurricanes and battles and come out of them with minimum damage. Stoicism in so many ways similar to my pragmatism. It is just seeing the world as it is and deals with it accordingly through 4 virtues: Courage, Temperance, Justice, and Wisdom. It is summarized in the statement by Epictetus:

“For it is within you, that both your destruction and deliverance lie…..The judgment seat and a prison is each a place, the one high, the other low; but the attitude of your will can be kept the same, if you want to keep it the same, in either place.”

Stoicism believed that a fundamental key to reducing suffering and living a content life is to make a clear distinction between that which controllable and uncontrollable. To understand this distinction we can focus our energy and time on what we can influence and come to accept what we cannot. All great so far, but actually what made me abandon my stoic approach to life is that Stoicism promotes tuning down emotions.  Not getting too high.  Not getting too low.  It encourages disengaging from the exterior world because getting too caught up in things will always disappoint.  This is could be a safe approach to life, will make you content but from my personal perspective, you will never taste true happiness. The intensity of life makes us feel alive – makes me personally feel alive – and I wouldn’t give up that ever to live mediocre contentment.  Having big dreams even if they fail, getting attached to people, to concepts and to things even when we know we will lose them all at a moment is what is this life is all about. That taught me although the mysticism approach is safe yet weak because simply humans get used to anything after a while of practice, no big deal there. The real challenge for me is to stay conscious right in the middle of it all. It ain’t easy and that’s why I like it. I want to feel disappointed and hurt because these are the feelings that enable me to appreciate when I am truly happy and accomplished. But the trick is to know WHEN to disengage, HOW to tune down your attachment to anything, and BELIEVE deeply in reality as it is and genuinely embracing it. That for me was the true practice for the stoic virtues. Therefore, I created my own philosophy from everything that made sense to me and made me truly myself.

Stoicism was great because it supported my view on vulnerability. I didn’t want ever to feel or show myself vulnerable so I toughened up and didn’t allow myself to show who I truly was. I wasn’t comfortable showing that not because I was scared of judgment but because I didn’t want to remember that side of me or acknowledge it. It was easier, much much easier to behave as I never cared because to care is to feel and I didn’t want to feel. I kept a safe distance from everyone, even from myself and that was that for many years. At some point, I felt numb. I was always content and in peace. I don’t get angry but I don’t get excited either. I was not getting sad but not thrilled as well. I was observing the world through a bulletproof glass wall that made me safe through the battles I endured but taking away my real life and I decided to change that.

It was difficult, still very difficult not to run away and hide behind my glass wall. It is a challenge for me to recognize the moment when I am acting on my past trauma but I am more mindful than I ever been. I know I have an avoidance attachment style and I recognize when it is activated. I use the secure attachment part of my character to tell me what to do and how to react toward people and situations personally and professionally. That challenge keeps me motivated because I know I am challenging myself, challenging my background, and most importantly living my life to the fullest, no regrets. Believe it or not, living this way made it easier to accept reality, to move on when necessary and surprisingly enough even to have better compassion toward others. Being true to yourself is like being tidy. It requires effort and routine but very rewarding long term. Besides the aesthetic part of it, it’s functional. You know where is everything you are looking for because everything is organized in the same place all the time. So it is easier to recognize. Same with the psyche, if you are true to yourself, do things as you feel them, you are not ashamed of admitting the reason behind them and keep enough distance from your ego, you are keeping your mind and soul tidy. However, we can’t kill our ego and the sense of “I” so reality sometimes hurts, but you get used to the feeling because you know for a fact that life is a rollercoaster; once you are up, once you are down and each leads to the other.

Life is about taking risks and learning lessons. I would rather live one life to the fullest than a thousand lives safely. Wisdom created through hardship and there is nothing more beautiful to me than having enough wisdom to recognize life, people, and the situations as they truly are and accept that with a heart full of gratitude and appreciation.

As I started with Ernest Hemingway, I will end it with him:

“I did not care what it was all about. All I wanted to know was how to live in it. Maybe if you found out how to live in it you learned from that what it was all about.”

 

 

Translation: Those with volatile friendliness cannot be trusted, who expose secrets cannot be trustworthy, the ungrateful cannot be reliable, who keep breaking your motivation cannot be dependable, whoever comes to you only in their free time cannot be genuine.  If you wouldn’t be careful of all the above, you cannot be trusted for yourself.

Arabs for so many centuries known for their skills in reading body language and high emotional intelligence. Arabs were traders, their well-being and the thriving of their business depended on their ability to communicate effectively and understand the others instantaneously, and so they did for so many decades. That’s why I started with the Arabic statement. I am somehow proud of the Arab part of me, as much as it caused me so much hardship in my life, but it has given me an incredible opportunity for growth and see the world from a very unique position. Generally speaking; Arabs are emotionally intelligent, they have an activated intuition and in most cases can read a person very well. The down side of that they are very expressive and emotional, shortsighted and can be easily manipulated. They are present at the moment which make them tuned to the moment but might be a blind for the future. I took that, nurtured it, but thankfully had the upbringing to be pragmatic and think long-term thanks to my amazing father. All of that made me who I am today; a mixture of grounded crazy yet weird person.

Call it a curse, call it a bless. I am not so sure how to describe it but that’s me. I do feel everything, I can read almost everyone and I am rarely wrong. I know what is rational yet my sympathy can change my perspective. Spo usually I know what needs to be done but sometime I don’t