I made a wish at the end of 2012 and out of all the wishes I made it was the
one that I actually got, not by my hard work but by pure luck and was living
with me in disguise!
I wished to only meet honest people
with no lies or betrayal, but since I didn't believe in my own wish
I didn't pay attention and looked at things differently - had my
reasons but ...
During 2013 -2014 I met amazing people
who was nothing but honest with me almost all the time and straightforward in the intense way that left bruises all over my soul, I didn't see that, because honestly sometimes can hurt if it is delivered in a way we are not
used to .. and being around straightforward people can change your whole existence; that can make you greedy sometimes and ask for way more. I only realized this
now; that I got what I wished for but I am still unsatisfied, maybe I should
wished for honest, straightforward and open like a book kind of people, who
have the ability to sugar coat their honesty .. but the truth is that is not
going to happen. What I had so far is the best it can get, and if anything
should be modified or fixed will be my attitude toward the gift I was blessed
with.
During these past two years, I met people
who told me exactly what they thought of me, how they felt about me, shared
with me their thoughts, ideas, believes and sometimes even their dreams, I
loved that but I didn’t appreciate it as it should be appreciated, I hurt some
of them unintentionally, I required more and I set my expectations and expected
them to meet my own standards and when they failed I considered it as
dishonesty because they didn’t explain what they had in their mind, they didn’t
share with me the whole story or simply because they changed their mind
regarding something and instead of deceiving me they just shared half the story with me, because sometimes the rest was either personal or something they
didn’t want to share with anyone and unfortunately, I didn’t see that for what it
is, instead I was focused on my honesty standards that I put in front of them
which blinded me from seeing things as they really are and accordingly,
didn’t allow me to realize the ridiculousness of my standards that I imposed on
people they cared about me enough to share a large part of their lives with me.
I am one of those who preaches about
expectations and how we shouldn’t have expectations for other
to fulfill and that we should accept people unconditionally without
trying to changing them, and still, I fell into the expectation trap, somehow I
allowed my standards to take the joy out of my life and blind me from what really
matters, which is the same case that happens when we set certain expectations
for others to fulfill and with the disappointment I felt I allowed
all of that to cloud my mind to see thing as they are when a friend was
open with me about their feeling toward me and showed their attachment to me
with all honesty, I rejected it because instead of appreciating their feeling
and accepting it gracefully I got annoyed and wanted to know what is going inside
their mind … another time when someone shared a lot of what in their mind and
invited me into their life; though they rarely do, I asked for more, when they
wanted to keep something for themselves I over-thought the whole
situation and interpreted the whole story in a different way and I made them
feel misunderstood … another friend was honest with me beyond all my wishes and
was telling me everything they thought I needed to know in a joke or a sarcastic
comment, again I over-thought and translated the whole
situation differently, I didn’t accept other kinds of honesty than mine, I
wanted them to come and say things straightforward while they already did but
in their own … another person who really liked me respected me and valued my
opinions so they were approaching me all the time seeking my opinion, advise or
guidance they were beyond honest with me and instead of appreciating that I
looked at it as a weakness and inability to control their life and emotions; I
was stupid to let my standards allow me to judge them which is something I
never allowed and a line I never crossed … another person who I really liked
and they liked me as well shared aspects of their life with me and were honest
and genuine enough to let me know that though they like me a lot they can’t be
with me because of circumstances beyond our control and instead of appreciating
that I just allowed that to hunt my thoughts and destroy their reliability in
my mind and I was too selfish to see things from their perspective. I can
go on and on with stories where I seem like a very horrible person, while the
truth I am not .. my mistake was, I allowed the illusions of perfection to blind
my sight from the blessing I had, a mistake that we do all over again during our
long life with different aspects and in regard to different values, my value
was honesty and I wanted unlimited honesty, and my perfection tendency set up a
high standard for anyone to meet, and while I thought others failed me, in reality, I didn’t only fail myself but I failed them as well. I didn’t allow
them to be themselves I just wanted them to be themselves my way which is the
most hurtful thing anyone can do.
Anyways, the point from these long
three pages are that sometimes certain systems within ourselves set ridiculous
understanding boundaries between us and the people around us, it takes
different shapes, concepts, and forms though it might seem harmless and even
sometimes take the form of greatness, it simply not .. If we want to be happy
and appreciate the small things in life we should be open to accepting things
unconditionally and don’t allow our value system to sabotage our views of others or set some restrictions that exist only in our own minds, we should never impose our own standards on others no matter how great we think they are. That
is not easy, and cannot be achieved instantly but at least we can try to put
ourselves in the place of the other and see things from their perspective and
still, then we won’t have the whole view of what they see and then we can make
an excuse for the other because they are just another human being full of flaws
and contradictions and by doing that we actually give ourselves the chance to
see things as simple as they are and rest our mind from moving like
roller-coaster in a hopeless attempt to understand what is not understandable.
P.S. My deep apology for anyone I hurt
or misunderstood while they were nothing but honest to me, my sin is over-thinking and sometimes it just makes me unable to see things for what they
are .. but I am grateful for having the clarity of the heart and soul to see
what I did wrong, and I am grateful for eternity for having you
in my life.
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