Perfect Imperfection

           

            If anyone asks me to describe myself in one word, the word "WEIRDO" will be the first thing that pops up in my mind not because I enjoy the element of shock that I see in people’s face but because it is the ultimate truth about me, if I will try to describe myself precisely nothing will come out of that because I am seriously unusual human being, full of unexpected traits and contradicting characteristics; sometimes. The reason I believe is one of my core values that I committed to long time ago, I think I was in junior high school back then and while I was thinking about my difference I decided to make peace with it, enjoy it and most importantly make my weakness my own strength and uniqueness.

My identity crisis story as follows; I was very different since I was a lil kid very independent, stubborn and strong to the opposite of that I was very cheerful, diplomatic and social which was strange compo, anyways I am a thinker since I was 5 years old, I remember my questions for my dad and mom and feel sorry for them that they had to deal with me since a very early age, that continued for long years, sometimes my family liked it some time it was annoying and unacceptable, I survived with all my weirdness untacked, here come high school and all the big decision you need to make about your future and I felt totally lost and overwhelmed, I was intelligent but not the usual intelligent I wasn't excellent in one thing like science or math or art, I wasn't excellent in activities and social level and networking; I was very good at everything … I was very good at anything I focus on enough .. but the school, family even society was pushing me to be good at one thing or one field and commit to it, I tried, I experiment but I couldn't, I failed miserably in everything and in the journey for excellence, I lost my gift and in the first year of the high school I did really bad and I ended up with having no social life no activities and bad grades; my dad was so disappointed because he always told me that I could be whoever I want to be because I have my brain and it will be whatever I want it to be, for me at that time that was a very deep philosophy I failed to understand, and I debated with him that we have limited intelligence pre-determined by our genetics and our brain structure, he tried to explain to me the defect in this theory and I didn't understand back then but I totally understand what he meant now. Anyways by the end of the year, I thought about everything and I was about to decide what to do regarding my identity crisis; I was thinking that I love painting, calligraphy and being involved in other activities and organizing events in school but on the other hand I love my Arabic, English, Biology, algebra, statistics, economy, history, logic, philosophy and psychology classes I don’t want to choose between being intelligent or socially intelligent  I didn't want to choose to be a geek in one of subjects and I don’t want to have to choose and I felt completely shattered by the pressure I faced, I knew I can’t be super intelligent in one thing because I can’t give 100% to only one thing my best is to give 80% and in special cases 90% when my passion overwhelms me and for me, 80% was more than enough, if it is not enough for others it is enough for me and if anyone is not happy with that they can do whatever they want in their own life not to tell me what to choose. I made my decision and I decided to take the art section of my high school study not the science section because I know it will need 100% commitment and I wasn't ready to give that, add to that I already made up my mind what I will study in the college which not my first love (medicine) because I realized I can’t deal with peoples suffering and blood even in the sake of saving their life, I discussed my decision with my dad and he objected, after long discussions I told him I will think about it, went the next day to school and enrolled in the Art section went back home and informed my dad of my decision; my whole family were waiting for the disaster to happen when I told my dad, he was a military general and professor .. He was not used to objections or rebellious acts when he said something it is DONE but I had enough courage to challenge that, he asked me why I didn't listen to him, I simply told him because I thought of what best for me, and I value his opinion but it is me who going to live with that choice and I know that he wants me to have broader options when it comes to college but I already know what I will study so he shouldn't worry … my answer left him speechless, for the first time I saw my dad not being able to answer with a very  satisfied smile lit his face, and that was enough for me to know I gave him a reason to trust me. Of course, my older siblings thought of it as the young child luck and that I get always what I want because of my value as the spoiled last girl in the family which was far from the truth and I didn't bother to explain it to them.

I don’t like to share personal stories and old memories with complete strangers just for fun, I write to share experiences and values that I hold dear to my heart. The moral of my identity crisis story that I have learned through failure and being lost for a big part of my life that perfection is not the ultimate goal and not everybody can be perfect; actually being totally perfect in limited fields is limited itself and boring which something not everybody can handle, I am not saying here that perfection and 100% dedication is bad because this perfection and dedication is what created many marvelous things and made so many people very famous like Einstein, Bach, Newton, Beethoven …etc but not everyone can be like that not because we lack the mental ability but because we have differences and that’s the beauty of life; imagine a world full of geniuses in all types of fields … distinctions will lose its meaning and we won’t be impressed by anything anymore. But the true beauty is to accept who we are and find the uniqueness and distinction that lays underneath that, the amazing gift is how to be perfect imperfection, do things that make us happy and excel in that. I could have chosen to be great in biology and I would because I loved biology and I was really great at that subject but I would give 100% of my time to that, to be a biologist who doesn't have time to do anything outside the lab, I could have chosen to be the social genius who spends all the time talking and networking and I would rock that but I will not have the time to read in different fields and be knowledgeable as I wanted to be and that’s sad for me at least. I am happy with my choice because now I am perfect imperfection, I adore the 80% ish I get in everything, I do all I love to do without limits because my time is mine and I decide I will be great in which field this week .. this month .. this year, I design my horizons, and destinations because I have no limits to what I want to achieve or get involved with and for me that works perfectly … and guess what 80% is perfect enough in this life, sometimes even 80% is too perfect because then you will be a whole universe of possibilities and abilities with no end or limits and this is perfect for you and me and anybody who think outside the box and don’t want just to follow whatever they have been told, that is perfect for anyone who finds the courage to trust themselves and challenge whatever needs to be challenged to reach their inner peace and their ultimate contentment. 

Life is not easy and the whole world is telling us who we are, don’t allow it and be whoever you want to be, concepts like perfection, success, happiness, joy and even values are not as they seem to be or not the way we were told they are, we have to discover what these concepts mean to us; us the very unique individual each one of us is and stop listening to anything except your own inner voice that will lead you to the perfect imprecation within you where you will find your true self.