“Learning to choose is hard.
Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of
unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard." Barry Schwartz,
The Paradox of Choice
I was always driven by knowledge, mostly the mysteries of mind; my
mind. I was so conscious since early age about my mind, life and the choices I
make and I always had to ask “why” to everything thing I encounter. I grew up
and my thirst for analysis grew with me. I drive myself crazy all the time, I
upset a lot of people and I even lose some people over this uncontrollable
behavior but I never is able to stop. I am better at controlling it but
still my desire to understand everything and making sense of it never ends,
like any obsession.
Lately, I was wondering why although I have fucked up big time in
my life I find myself able to put my fuck ups behind me and move forward. I
always was confused by my ability to get over situations and at the same time
making decisions in ease. Although with my history, anyone else will have
doubts making decisions or choosing anything I never had that. This has
made me think over and over again, and question my decision-making skills and analyze
it to the smallest bits and it was a quite fascinating journey!
I have always hated having too many options, for example, I never
go to shops like T.J. MAXX or Target, although I am totally fascinated by the many
options there, it literally makes me sick to spend more than 1 hour in this kind
of stores. I just seem unable to focus or choose anything, even though most of
my friends enjoy the trips to such stores. Don’t get me wrong, I am a
shopcoholic and I love going shopping all the time but at the same time I hate
hesitation, I hate wasting time and mostly I hate feeling lost. And being in
such a situation, even as silly as choosing a shoe or a bag can really make me
just leave. That didn’t make lots of sense to me at first until I finished
reading paradox of choice, then the puzzle unfolded and I saw how does that
affected my decision-making process my whole life and helped me to be the
person I am.
It is not only about shopping, but it is also the way I lived my life and
still do. It is the way I made a decision about education, relationships,
friendships, career and so many other decisions I had to deal with and although
I made many mistakes I rarely had any real regrets and felt remorse
about any major decision I made even if it was a failure. I was always able to
see things clearly and never doubt my decision. Honestly speaking, for many
times I thought I might be stupid for feeling that way or thought that I have
mental issue to never feel as most of people feel but the truth was that I was
just fine, I was different but it was good different.
What I came to understand that I am usually easy to satisfy kind
of person, not because I don’t have many desires but rather I eliminate unnecessarily
desires by default. By now I know unconsciously what I like and dislike, what I
can tolerate and not and what can make me happy or sad and accordingly I eliminate
things before they even cross my mind so I don’t get caught in the illusion of
having many options and get lost with the assumptions of losing these options.
I do what I do with shopping, I just don’t go to the place I know where I feel
hesitant, lost or waste too much time. "What if" never was something I stress
about, for me, it is just a door to hell; never liked it, never used it and wasn’t
ever able to understand the logic behind it. despite the fact many of these what-ifs
would change my life for sure if I took the chance but I never think about them
because at the time I had to make a decision they were only illusions. My logic
is if something isn’t at least 50% viable then it isn’t an option, just
illusion especially in the moment of making a decision. I have 3 questions to ask
myself before I make any decision making: 1. What is may viable options? 2. Which
one seems more logical to me now? 3. Which I will regret the least? Usually, the
option I chose should match for Q2 and Q3 because if it seems the most logical
thing I can do now I shouldn’t regret it later. This way I eliminate any other unviable
options that I might feel like can pass because a real option is more than
an idea or a thought it is a logical choice that should make us satisfied while
making a decision.
However, day by day, more and more I started to feel more
than ever that I find myself unable to make a decision in ease as it was let’s
say 5 years ago and I was kind of lost why this is happening. The feeling of
missing on something, others suggestions on the possibility out there blinded
my intuition and made me for a while get lost of my old path. The last couple of
years I got caught with the what-ifs, and they seemed real to me because I made
them real in my head but the truth was and is; I didn’t have much of choice.
Yeah, we should believe in ourselves, have big ambition, and reach for the
stars but the end question are: Would these options lead to a choice or would
we run from a choice to another? Of course, we can like the journey of discovering
choices for a while, but a fact of the human nature that we don’t regret the
things we did as much we regret the things we didn’t do and hovering between
choices without actually making a decision might give us the illusion that we are
doing something (exploring the options) but it is just another way to avoid
make a decision.
The problem of today’s life that the majority of people are getting
caught in this cycle, most the people don’t want to make decisions; not related
to their career, not to their relationships, not to their basic life choices.
People are getting delusional about the options they have and that blind them of what they really need. Having an option doesn’t mean necessarily that you
really need it or even want it. Everybody following trends and building up their
life according to everybody else but themselves, by looking at what others do, which gives more and more options that are maybe viable for others but not us
and we mistake them for our own because they are trendy and popular by
everybody else. The whole idea of having many options in modern life is to
serve individuality but eventually, it demolished it and made the majority of people
lost, confused and unable to make decisions in their life because they can
choose anything! While the truth is, our choices are limited because they have to
pass a viability test, they are not just ideas but decisions we will live with
to the rest of our lives and if we will avoid these decisions there will be a
time where we will regret not making these decisions. Leaving the door open for
more options most of the case (especially when you already made a suitable
choice) can open door to hell, you start questioning; what if? And that
undermines your choice and make it feel less satisfying even if it is the right
one, eventually illusions always more attractive than reality!
I have always understood that unconsciously, but reading paradox
of choice made me aware of the whole issue here, which allows me not to fall
into this cycle again. Of course, once in a while, I do but I try my best not to,
especially whenever it matters the most for me. I try to base my decision on viable
options and exclude any illusions that might look so attractive. I know myself
well enough to know what actually works the best for me and what will make me
happy. It is always hard at first; with everything out there you feel like
missing on something but we need to learn to trust our intuition. It is there to
help us make the right choice and warn us about what might feel wrong. The more
we trust it, the more we get better at it. Eventually, it is our brain's way to
help us based on previous experiences and stored data that we don’t have direct
access to it. Making a choice is not the end, you always can go back if it wasn’t
the right one but at least you tried. On the other hand, occupying yourself with too many
options will always make you lost and eventually, you won’t know if any would
work for you.
Take a leap of faith, make that career choice you were always
thinking of even if it meant to risk a bit. If it is viable, logical and make
you happy do it, no regrets, only experience. Don’t hang on to so many people
because you are afraid of being lonely, or think that person you are with will
leave or you hope you might find someone better. Love someone suitable (if they
are worth it) give them your all don’t get distracted by what-ifs and see how
it will work. Make a decision to go somewhere, do something or change something
without listening to what others think of it. Listen to your inner voice and do
what you feel right for you, ONLY YOU. Don’t be afraid of mistakes, making them
is what life is all about even if it hurt or seemed too risky. We are not here
to be safe, we are here to live life and make it worth the breath we take.
Eventually,
having too many options is worse than having two, for example, we might not be aware of that consciously
but a closer look at our life choices can direct us to the right answer. when you are faced with (this or that) you are more likely to make a decision but when you have (this, that, that and that) it is more difficult to take a decision and usually, you won't be even aware of your avoidance issue. I have
witnessed that hundreds of times and was so amazed how people are unable to make
decisions but after a closer look, I discovered they are not aware of that.
They so occupied trying options that they forgot the main thing is to choose
one. Many might disagree with this because they are enjoying what they are
doing now but the reality is; the regrets will come sooner than later and by
then it will be too late. The career choice might be lost, the person you had is
gone, the choice you had to take disappeared, and the opportunity that was present
at that time killed by fear and hesitation. Living with mistakes give you stories while living with regrets only give you bitterness. Check your past and you will make sure of this!
Recommended reading to survive
modern life :) :P
1. Thinking, Fast and Slow by
Daniel Kahneman
2. The paradox of Choice by Barry
Schwartz
3. The Power of Habit by Charles
Duhigg
4. Stumbling on Happiness by
Daniel Gilbert
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