Less is More!

“Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard."                                                                  Barry Schwartz, The Paradox of Choice

         I was always driven by knowledge, mostly the mysteries of mind; my mind. I was so conscious since early age about my mind, life and the choices I make and I always had to ask “why” to everything thing I encounter. I grew up and my thirst for analysis grew with me. I drive myself crazy all the time, I upset a lot of people and I even lose some people over this uncontrollable behavior but I never is able to stop. I am better at controlling it but still my desire to understand everything and making sense of it never ends, like any obsession. 

Lately, I was wondering why although I have fucked up big time in my life I find myself able to put my fuck ups behind me and move forward. I always was confused by my ability to get over situations and at the same time making decisions in ease. Although with my history, anyone else will have doubts making decisions or choosing anything I never had that. This has made me think over and over again, and question my decision-making skills and analyze it to the smallest bits and it was a quite fascinating journey!

I have always hated having too many options, for example, I never go to shops like T.J. MAXX or Target, although I am totally fascinated by the many options there, it literally makes me sick to spend more than 1 hour in this kind of stores. I just seem unable to focus or choose anything, even though most of my friends enjoy the trips to such stores. Don’t get me wrong, I am a shopcoholic and I love going shopping all the time but at the same time I hate hesitation, I hate wasting time and mostly I hate feeling lost. And being in such a situation, even as silly as choosing a shoe or a bag can really make me just leave. That didn’t make lots of sense to me at first until I finished reading paradox of choice, then the puzzle unfolded and I saw how does that affected my decision-making process my whole life and helped me to be the person I am.

It is not only about shopping, but it is also the way I lived my life and still do. It is the way I made a decision about education, relationships, friendships, career and so many other decisions I had to deal with and although I made many mistakes I rarely had any real regrets and felt remorse about any major decision I made even if it was a failure. I was always able to see things clearly and never doubt my decision. Honestly speaking, for many times I thought I might be stupid for feeling that way or thought that I have mental issue to never feel as most of people feel but the truth was that I was just fine, I was different but it was good different.

What I came to understand that I am usually easy to satisfy kind of person, not because I don’t have many desires but rather I eliminate unnecessarily desires by default. By now I know unconsciously what I like and dislike, what I can tolerate and not and what can make me happy or sad and accordingly I eliminate things before they even cross my mind so I don’t get caught in the illusion of having many options and get lost with the assumptions of losing these options. I do what I do with shopping, I just don’t go to the place I know where I feel hesitant, lost or waste too much time. "What if" never was something I stress about, for me, it is just a door to hell; never liked it, never used it and wasn’t ever able to understand the logic behind it. despite the fact many of these what-ifs would change my life for sure if I took the chance but I never think about them because at the time I had to make a decision they were only illusions. My logic is if something isn’t at least 50% viable then it isn’t an option, just illusion especially in the moment of making a decision. I have 3 questions to ask myself before I make any decision making: 1. What is may viable options? 2. Which one seems more logical to me now? 3. Which I will regret the least? Usually, the option I chose should match for Q2 and Q3 because if it seems the most logical thing I can do now I shouldn’t regret it later. This way I eliminate any other unviable options that I might feel like can pass because a real option is more than an idea or a thought it is a logical choice that should make us satisfied while making a decision.

However, day by day, more and more I started to feel more than ever that I find myself unable to make a decision in ease as it was let’s say 5 years ago and I was kind of lost why this is happening. The feeling of missing on something, others suggestions on the possibility out there blinded my intuition and made me for a while get lost of my old path. The last couple of years I got caught with the what-ifs, and they seemed real to me because I made them real in my head but the truth was and is; I didn’t have much of choice. Yeah, we should believe in ourselves, have big ambition, and reach for the stars but the end question are: Would these options lead to a choice or would we run from a choice to another? Of course, we can like the journey of discovering choices for a while, but a fact of the human nature that we don’t regret the things we did as much we regret the things we didn’t do and hovering between choices without actually making a decision might give us the illusion that we are doing something (exploring the options) but it is just another way to avoid make a decision.

The problem of today’s life that the majority of people are getting caught in this cycle, most the people don’t want to make decisions; not related to their career, not to their relationships, not to their basic life choices. People are getting delusional about the options they have and that blind them of what they really need. Having an option doesn’t mean necessarily that you really need it or even want it. Everybody following trends and building up their life according to everybody else but themselves, by looking at what others do, which gives more and more options that are maybe viable for others but not us and we mistake them for our own because they are trendy and popular by everybody else. The whole idea of having many options in modern life is to serve individuality but eventually, it demolished it and made the majority of people lost, confused and unable to make decisions in their life because they can choose anything! While the truth is, our choices are limited because they have to pass a viability test, they are not just ideas but decisions we will live with to the rest of our lives and if we will avoid these decisions there will be a time where we will regret not making these decisions. Leaving the door open for more options most of the case (especially when you already made a suitable choice) can open door to hell, you start questioning; what if? And that undermines your choice and make it feel less satisfying even if it is the right one, eventually illusions always more attractive than reality!

I have always understood that unconsciously, but reading paradox of choice made me aware of the whole issue here, which allows me not to fall into this cycle again. Of course, once in a while, I do but I try my best not to, especially whenever it matters the most for me. I try to base my decision on viable options and exclude any illusions that might look so attractive. I know myself well enough to know what actually works the best for me and what will make me happy. It is always hard at first; with everything out there you feel like missing on something but we need to learn to trust our intuition. It is there to help us make the right choice and warn us about what might feel wrong. The more we trust it, the more we get better at it. Eventually, it is our brain's way to help us based on previous experiences and stored data that we don’t have direct access to it. Making a choice is not the end, you always can go back if it wasn’t the right one but at least you tried. On the other hand, occupying yourself with too many options will always make you lost and eventually, you won’t know if any would work for you.

Take a leap of faith, make that career choice you were always thinking of even if it meant to risk a bit. If it is viable, logical and make you happy do it, no regrets, only experience. Don’t hang on to so many people because you are afraid of being lonely, or think that person you are with will leave or you hope you might find someone better. Love someone suitable (if they are worth it) give them your all don’t get distracted by what-ifs and see how it will work. Make a decision to go somewhere, do something or change something without listening to what others think of it. Listen to your inner voice and do what you feel right for you, ONLY YOU. Don’t be afraid of mistakes, making them is what life is all about even if it hurt or seemed too risky. We are not here to be safe, we are here to live life and make it worth the breath we take.

            Eventually, having too many options is worse than having two, for example, we might not be aware of that consciously but a closer look at our life choices can direct us to the right answer. when you are faced with (this or that) you are more likely to make a decision but when you have (this, that, that and that) it is more difficult to take a decision and usually, you won't be even aware of your avoidance issue. I have witnessed that hundreds of times and was so amazed how people are unable to make decisions but after a closer look, I discovered they are not aware of that. They so occupied trying options that they forgot the main thing is to choose one. Many might disagree with this because they are enjoying what they are doing now but the reality is; the regrets will come sooner than later and by then it will be too late. The career choice might be lost, the person you had is gone, the choice you had to take disappeared, and the opportunity that was present at that time killed by fear and hesitation. Living with mistakes give you stories while living with regrets only give you bitterness. Check your past and you will make sure of this!  

Recommended reading to survive modern life :) :P

1. Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

2. The paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz

3. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

4. Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert

On Human Nature - The good, the bad and the crazy

          The other day I was having a coffee with a friend when he said that he believes people are good but with all happening around us make him doubt it though he believes deep down "we are good". This has been the question I have always been asking myself, a question I failed to answer without extending my thoughts to the whole idea of our existence, morals and self-interest. Questions raised during my whole life and I was unable to answer them until recently.

           I am sure anyone reading this has asked themselves that question many times during their lives and most probably they were unable to find a definite answer that describes humans as collective groups and give a general concept of what we really are. You shouldn’t feel bad about not finding the answer. Philosophers and thinkers have always discussed the human nature and the natural law; Plato, Aristotle, Micaville down to Hobbes and locke and no one was able to achieve a consensus on the subject, so why should you bother!

       The truth I bother, and I can die in my search for answers. I have always been that way, sometimes I felt like losing my mind in a literal sense not metaphoric in any way but I couldn’t stop and I didn’t. and I can say years of reading philosophy, psychology and neurology add to that experiences and observation gave me a personal understanding of the human nature that adds more mystery and vagueness to the whole concept but for me it is a step closer, it is better than to accept what John Locke believed or agree with Tomas Hobbes thoughts. Eventually, they might be right but for themselves not necessarily for others.

          I think no one was able to achieve consensus regarding human nature because there isn’t one. There is no such mold that we can describe as “this is the human nature” I think human nature is unique as a fingerprint or as humans themselves, no matter how many patterns we share or features we have in common, our true nature still fluid, can be shaped and reshaped differently as much as we are willing to and as much as how our environment shaped us. Social structures may have always tried to manipulate our human nature and shape it into what is common by creating norms and trends that might make ordinary people think what they have known and experience is the true rightful human nature, which is somehow correct but not completely. It is right because it is what they chose to believe but something totally the opposite can be what other people is believing the true rightful human nature.

          The one reality here is that we are born blank, like a white paper, there is no good and no bad, there is only our belief of good and bad that is completely influenced by our background, soundings, and society around us. It is shaped by what we are exposed to and what we absorb depending on our abilities and circumstances. Nothing more nothing less, but we are unable to understand this or accept it because it makes us feel out of control. Maybe what is scarier is to admit that we have nothing in common as humans except for what we created and believed.

          For so many, this might sound very incoherent, not understandable or worse complete madness. And who am I to judge J I think the problem is that we are slaves for our social and political norms which help controlling the masses and create the civilizations we have created because honestly not everyone is privileged enough to investigate such ideas, not every person has the capacity to understand this or even more importantly utilize it. It is way easier to believe that we are pre-molded to good or bad than to discover the true you, to dive so deep in the caves of your existence to know what kind of human you are, challenge the norms if they don’t fit you and accept the difference in others. It is way simpler to think there is some truth in concepts, than to get lost, and it is way more comforting to think that things do exist for a reason because honestly speaking I don’t think there are many people who can handle the idea of “no purpose” in this life. It is freeing to know that concepts are just illusions but it can be so damn maddening for some people, they will go crazy if they thought there is no purpose for their lives or that our whole existence is just an explained empty space; that so simple to understand yet so complicated to comprehend. It is so fascinating to know that we are NOTHING, yet so crazy. For me, it is fascinating because it opens unknown doors and give us freedom and more options to explore not only ourselves but the whole universe but for another person, it is crazy to understand that we are literally, nothing, our concepts, values, and ideologies are just illusions of what we were somehow designed to adapt and accept because that shatters what they know and put them in the dark, and let’s face it, the majority of people hate the darkness!

          I think the best way to describe my idea is using the atoms as an example, although it is made of 99.9% of empty space but still, we know it is there and it still forms and shapes our whole universe and existence, the same with human nature, although it is not molded in any shape or measured by any concepts it is still there making us who we are; as great as the atom limitless but as well misunderstood. We develop hypothesis and theories in attempts to understand but we won’t, at least not fully. It is so different and changeable that every time you look we will see it differently, affected by so many things that we are still can’t fully comprehend.

          Is that an easy idea to live with, of course not, such thoughts can make your head spins in circles. Acknowledging that you are nothing can be both freeing and terrifying idea, mainly depends on your character. You can see yourself as limitless nothing and be whatever you want to be or you can be whining nothing and cry that your whole life was a lie and struggle to find who you truly are.  From the other hand, I personally believe not all people are psychologically or mentally capable of accepting such harsh reality, after all for centuries we have been building these ideas and concepts that all became the only truth some people know and that serves other people to keep the current structure of the world and humans as collective groups and so far I don’t think we are ready for such drastic change. Imagine a person who has been fed on hate and intolerance for their whole life, believing that killing is not bad nor good? That’s a nightmare no one would like to even imagine and that example why the world is yet not ready now for the freedom of not molding human nature into concepts, ideologies, and morals.

          To sum up, although crazy ideas can’t come to an end. My belief of the human nature, our existence, and morals is simple, we don’t have any, we struggle to create a common sense of what it might be but it is all just illusions we believed in and they are just as real as we want them to be, there is no good nor bad in this life. What is good is what we came to believe is good for us and our surrounding and what is bad what we have usually told is bad for us and our surroundings. Is that the best way to live, maybe for some but in general sense it is not because we have way more potentials than what we have been told to have, and we are cuffed by what is the best for the collective groups not what best for us, and guess what? What is best for the collective groups is to stay ignorant and tied by some ideas someone in the seventeenth century believed to be right because it serves the elite to stay where they are as long as possible. Some will argue that is working for us in general sense. I won’t disagree with that but the truth is, that it is working because we created a the whole system that established on the current ideas of human nature, morals, structures … etc and we are unable within these circumstances to see beyond that or proof otherwise and any drastic change in this understanding will create disaster because we still not ready for that sort of change that gives humans that kind of freedom and I am not sure we will ever be ready for that kind of freedom!