Perfect Imperfection

           

            If anyone asks me to describe myself in one word, the word "WEIRDO" will be the first thing that pops up in my mind not because I enjoy the element of shock that I see in people’s face but because it is the ultimate truth about me, if I will try to describe myself precisely nothing will come out of that because I am seriously unusual human being, full of unexpected traits and contradicting characteristics; sometimes. The reason I believe is one of my core values that I committed to long time ago, I think I was in junior high school back then and while I was thinking about my difference I decided to make peace with it, enjoy it and most importantly make my weakness my own strength and uniqueness.

My identity crisis story as follows; I was very different since I was a lil kid very independent, stubborn and strong to the opposite of that I was very cheerful, diplomatic and social which was strange compo, anyways I am a thinker since I was 5 years old, I remember my questions for my dad and mom and feel sorry for them that they had to deal with me since a very early age, that continued for long years, sometimes my family liked it some time it was annoying and unacceptable, I survived with all my weirdness untacked, here come high school and all the big decision you need to make about your future and I felt totally lost and overwhelmed, I was intelligent but not the usual intelligent I wasn't excellent in one thing like science or math or art, I wasn't excellent in activities and social level and networking; I was very good at everything … I was very good at anything I focus on enough .. but the school, family even society was pushing me to be good at one thing or one field and commit to it, I tried, I experiment but I couldn't, I failed miserably in everything and in the journey for excellence, I lost my gift and in the first year of the high school I did really bad and I ended up with having no social life no activities and bad grades; my dad was so disappointed because he always told me that I could be whoever I want to be because I have my brain and it will be whatever I want it to be, for me at that time that was a very deep philosophy I failed to understand, and I debated with him that we have limited intelligence pre-determined by our genetics and our brain structure, he tried to explain to me the defect in this theory and I didn't understand back then but I totally understand what he meant now. Anyways by the end of the year, I thought about everything and I was about to decide what to do regarding my identity crisis; I was thinking that I love painting, calligraphy and being involved in other activities and organizing events in school but on the other hand I love my Arabic, English, Biology, algebra, statistics, economy, history, logic, philosophy and psychology classes I don’t want to choose between being intelligent or socially intelligent  I didn't want to choose to be a geek in one of subjects and I don’t want to have to choose and I felt completely shattered by the pressure I faced, I knew I can’t be super intelligent in one thing because I can’t give 100% to only one thing my best is to give 80% and in special cases 90% when my passion overwhelms me and for me, 80% was more than enough, if it is not enough for others it is enough for me and if anyone is not happy with that they can do whatever they want in their own life not to tell me what to choose. I made my decision and I decided to take the art section of my high school study not the science section because I know it will need 100% commitment and I wasn't ready to give that, add to that I already made up my mind what I will study in the college which not my first love (medicine) because I realized I can’t deal with peoples suffering and blood even in the sake of saving their life, I discussed my decision with my dad and he objected, after long discussions I told him I will think about it, went the next day to school and enrolled in the Art section went back home and informed my dad of my decision; my whole family were waiting for the disaster to happen when I told my dad, he was a military general and professor .. He was not used to objections or rebellious acts when he said something it is DONE but I had enough courage to challenge that, he asked me why I didn't listen to him, I simply told him because I thought of what best for me, and I value his opinion but it is me who going to live with that choice and I know that he wants me to have broader options when it comes to college but I already know what I will study so he shouldn't worry … my answer left him speechless, for the first time I saw my dad not being able to answer with a very  satisfied smile lit his face, and that was enough for me to know I gave him a reason to trust me. Of course, my older siblings thought of it as the young child luck and that I get always what I want because of my value as the spoiled last girl in the family which was far from the truth and I didn't bother to explain it to them.

I don’t like to share personal stories and old memories with complete strangers just for fun, I write to share experiences and values that I hold dear to my heart. The moral of my identity crisis story that I have learned through failure and being lost for a big part of my life that perfection is not the ultimate goal and not everybody can be perfect; actually being totally perfect in limited fields is limited itself and boring which something not everybody can handle, I am not saying here that perfection and 100% dedication is bad because this perfection and dedication is what created many marvelous things and made so many people very famous like Einstein, Bach, Newton, Beethoven …etc but not everyone can be like that not because we lack the mental ability but because we have differences and that’s the beauty of life; imagine a world full of geniuses in all types of fields … distinctions will lose its meaning and we won’t be impressed by anything anymore. But the true beauty is to accept who we are and find the uniqueness and distinction that lays underneath that, the amazing gift is how to be perfect imperfection, do things that make us happy and excel in that. I could have chosen to be great in biology and I would because I loved biology and I was really great at that subject but I would give 100% of my time to that, to be a biologist who doesn't have time to do anything outside the lab, I could have chosen to be the social genius who spends all the time talking and networking and I would rock that but I will not have the time to read in different fields and be knowledgeable as I wanted to be and that’s sad for me at least. I am happy with my choice because now I am perfect imperfection, I adore the 80% ish I get in everything, I do all I love to do without limits because my time is mine and I decide I will be great in which field this week .. this month .. this year, I design my horizons, and destinations because I have no limits to what I want to achieve or get involved with and for me that works perfectly … and guess what 80% is perfect enough in this life, sometimes even 80% is too perfect because then you will be a whole universe of possibilities and abilities with no end or limits and this is perfect for you and me and anybody who think outside the box and don’t want just to follow whatever they have been told, that is perfect for anyone who finds the courage to trust themselves and challenge whatever needs to be challenged to reach their inner peace and their ultimate contentment. 

Life is not easy and the whole world is telling us who we are, don’t allow it and be whoever you want to be, concepts like perfection, success, happiness, joy and even values are not as they seem to be or not the way we were told they are, we have to discover what these concepts mean to us; us the very unique individual each one of us is and stop listening to anything except your own inner voice that will lead you to the perfect imprecation within you where you will find your true self.

The Wish That Came True

I made a wish at the end of 2012 and out of all the wishes I made it was the one that I actually got, not by my hard work but by pure luck and was living with me in disguise!

I wished to only meet honest people with no lies or betrayal, but since I didn't believe in my own wish I didn't pay attention and looked at things differently - had my reasons but ...

During 2013 -2014 I met amazing people who was nothing but honest with me almost all the time and straightforward in the intense way that left bruises all over my soul, I didn't see that, because honestly sometimes can hurt if it is delivered in a way we are not used to .. and being around straightforward people can change your whole existence; that can make you greedy sometimes and ask for way more. I only realized this now; that I got what I wished for but I am still unsatisfied, maybe I should wished for honest, straightforward and open like a book kind of people, who have the ability to sugar coat their honesty .. but the truth is that is not going to happen. What I had so far is the best it can get, and if anything should be modified or fixed will be my attitude toward the gift I was blessed with.

During these past two years, I met people who told me exactly what they thought of me, how they felt about me, shared with me their thoughts, ideas, believes and sometimes even their dreams, I loved that but I didn’t appreciate it as it should be appreciated, I hurt some of them unintentionally, I required more and I set my expectations and expected them to meet my own standards and when they failed I considered it as dishonesty because they didn’t explain what they had in their mind, they didn’t share with me the whole story or simply because they changed their mind regarding something and instead of deceiving me they just shared half the story with me, because sometimes the rest was either personal or something they didn’t want to share with anyone and unfortunately, I didn’t see that for what it is, instead I was focused on my honesty standards that I put in front of them which blinded me from seeing things as they really are and accordingly, didn’t allow me to realize the ridiculousness of my standards that I imposed on people they cared about me enough to share a large part of their lives with me.

I am one of those who preaches about expectations and how we shouldn’t have expectations for other to fulfill and that we should accept people unconditionally without trying to changing them, and still, I fell into the expectation trap, somehow I allowed my standards to take the joy out of my life and blind me from what really matters, which is the same case that happens when we set certain expectations for others to fulfill and with the disappointment I felt I allowed all of that to cloud my mind to see thing as they are when a friend was open with me about their feeling toward me and showed their attachment to me with all honesty, I rejected it because instead of appreciating their feeling and accepting it gracefully I got annoyed and wanted to know what is going inside their mind … another time when someone shared a lot of what in their mind and invited me into their life; though they rarely do, I asked for more, when they wanted to keep something for themselves I over-thought the whole situation and interpreted the whole story in a different way and I made them feel misunderstood … another friend was honest with me beyond all my wishes and was telling me everything they thought I needed to know in a joke or a sarcastic comment, again I over-thought and translated the whole situation differently, I didn’t accept other kinds of honesty than mine, I wanted them to come and say things straightforward while they already did but in their own … another person who really liked me respected me and valued my opinions so they were approaching me all the time seeking my opinion, advise or guidance they were beyond honest with me and instead of appreciating that I looked at it as a weakness and inability to control their life and emotions; I was stupid to let my standards allow me to judge them which is something I never allowed and a line I never crossed … another person who I really liked and they liked me as well shared aspects of their life with me and were honest and genuine enough to let me know that though they like me a lot they can’t be with me because of circumstances beyond our control and instead of appreciating that I just allowed that to hunt my thoughts and destroy their reliability in my mind and I was too selfish to see things from their perspective. I can go on and on with stories where I seem like a very horrible person, while the truth I am not .. my mistake was, I allowed the illusions of perfection to blind my sight from the blessing I had, a mistake that we do all over again during our long life with different aspects and in regard to different values, my value was honesty and I wanted unlimited honesty, and my perfection tendency set up a high standard for anyone to meet, and while I thought others failed me, in reality, I didn’t only fail myself but I failed them as well. I didn’t allow them to be themselves I just wanted them to be themselves my way which is the most hurtful thing anyone can do.

Anyways, the point from these long three pages are that sometimes certain systems within ourselves set ridiculous understanding boundaries between us and the people around us, it takes different shapes, concepts, and forms though it might seem harmless and even sometimes take the form of greatness, it simply not .. If we want to be happy and appreciate the small things in life we should be open to accepting things unconditionally and don’t allow our value system to sabotage our views of others or set some restrictions that exist only in our own minds, we should never impose our own standards on others no matter how great we think they are. That is not easy, and cannot be achieved instantly but at least we can try to put ourselves in the place of the other and see things from their perspective and still, then we won’t have the whole view of what they see and then we can make an excuse for the other because they are just another human being full of flaws and contradictions and by doing that we actually give ourselves the chance to see things as simple as they are and rest our mind from moving like roller-coaster in a hopeless attempt to understand what is not understandable.

P.S. My deep apology for anyone I hurt or misunderstood while they were nothing but honest to me, my sin is over-thinking and sometimes it just makes me unable to see things for what they are .. but I am grateful for having the clarity of the heart and soul to see what I did wrong, and I am grateful for eternity for having you in my life.