How the fire died

     Once you were young, full of life, charged with faith and nothing can stop you or shake your foundation. Life seemed simple and straightforward. Whatever you desire seemed like within the reach of your hand. Challenges were nothing more than motivations to work harder and have bigger faith at what you are doing. For awhile life felt alright although it wasn't that glorious ... yet it felt wonderful enough for you. Years started to pull each other before you know it, all that felt exciting started to burden your shoulders. You keep doing what you were doing but now it doesn't work anymore, you try and try but it looks like life has changed; although nothing really has changed. All still as it is but you don't really know how things operate anymore. Supposedly you are more experienced, older and wiser but all these years have added nothing but doubts. And you feel sometimes as if you are sitting in a dark room unable to locate the light switch although you are certain there is one somewhere nearby.

     You grow older and became less happy for some reason, less secure and less trustful. You start to judge people harshly, believe you are always busy, unable to stop yourself from complaining, with this heavy feeling that your life is not going anywhere. When you were younger you thought at your current age you will have it all sorted out and you will have it all, so little you knew! 

You blame the world for how life turned up and feel you have no control over your journey. These feelings seem too real to doubt or question. Despair becomes a permanent resident in your soul and a bit by bit it blends to the walls of the soul making it impossible to recognize which parts belong to you and which parts belong to it. The humid cold of despair starts slowly to spread through you and suddenly in a dark night while you are lying in your bed looking for the guiding light of your faith inside you; you cannot find it! The warmth of the feeling "tomorrow is going to be better" faded and you are unable to feel it anymore. Suddenly, you feel all alone in the darkness of your own thoughts; lost, helpless and desperate.

     Not sure when did you lose the treasure of faith and when did hope departed you. At certain age/periods/situations? Seems impossible to retain the hope you once had and break through helplessness. Your heart still deep down hopeful and strong but got temporarily blind and nothing seems to work out no matter how much you try and how low you are willing to go to make things better. It seems like an eternal recurrence and no one is able to give an advise to prevent it or help with it except the usual statement "you need to go through it to know your own lesson".

The question is, what is the lesson? And what is the purpose? Life by itself is temporary so why you need to endure all this suffering and pain? Nothing in this life is permanent so why the hell you will need to learn anything at all? when what you will learn today will do you no good for tomorrow?? 
Little by little the fire once guided you to your true self start to die; you freak out not knowing what you can do to save it but nothing seems to help. You compose yourself and sit there watching the last flare of this warm flames, hoping helplessly it will reborn from the ashes like a phoenix.