Perfect is one of my favorite vocabularies ever. It expresses the absolute harmony and peace!
For many many years, "my perfection" was the golden standard of all standards and I required "my perfection" of myself and of others consciously and unconsciously. No matter how big or small; I demanded a certain level of perfection without real consideration of others' perspectives of what they thought of as perfect. Generally, I praise myself for being pragmatic, yet when it came to perfection; then fuck pragmatism. I am practical and realistic as long it serves my illusions of what is perfect and that's that.
Then came the day when I decided to live with two of my best friends. I knew it was a big gamble but it was a bet I was willing to take. I had my doubts; I knew it could turn to a blood bath but I loved them enough to know deep down that nothing will change the way I love them and that was enough. That was over a year and a half ago, filled with turbulence for so many reasons but within the storms, I found peace and I learned how to coexist mindfully and be a real pragmatic.
For long I lived alone, I loved my own company and I adored my peace of mind. I never have seen myself sharing my space with anyone, and it was grrrrrrrrrrreat! I built up a small perfect world where I did what I wanted precisely and perfectly as it can be. My home was almost always perfectly clean, I had time to read to walk and to cook healthy. I woke up at 3:30 AM to go to the gym, I went to work and I lead a life an apex of perfection for me. I had my absolute freedom to be myself and it felt awesome, I had no doubt and I still don't have a doubt about how much I enjoyed that. I think I enjoyed it and practiced it too much that it created an active illusion of how life should be.
A little by little, I started to see the world from my own bubble and nothing was good enough; even myself. I was running my world like a Swiss watch and I could do that even through shit storms, so how come once I am out in the real world I can't manage anything perfectly, or even close to perfect. I felt like the world was collapsing and couldn't find my way to myself anymore. I felt I had to compromise myself to exist and that feeling attacked my sense of freedom ... my sense of being!
Within that struggle, I moved to the new place with a willingness to run it as I did many years before but what I forgot was that my world now exists with two strong-willed people with their own definition of perfection "which could mean chaos and mess too" and oh boy, first few months were something. Between the fights over who cleans or who shops, to what can be done or not. It was a huge mess and a battlefield mainly because of me. I was so determined to make this new environment as my previous one and had no intention to let go. Eventually tired of fighting; slowly by slowly we started to work things out. The flat still a big mess many times but I learned to live with it peacefully and we found a mechanism to make it work .. somehow!
That wasn't the end of it, the power struggle ended but then the emotional struggles surfaced. The three of us got closer and closer and we had to fight to be able to laugh. We smothered each other with care sometimes but through all of that, we learned to live in relative harmony. We still disagree and we will have many fights ahead of us but now that is normal. That was completely new to me. I was always calm as a stone; no one could irritate me or make me fight. It was relatively easy, whenever something doesn't go my way I disengage and let it go. Was an awesome technique to avoid conflict yet wasn't a resolution! Until we lived together my two best friends have never seen me angry or seriously upset. I never allowed myself to show that, how can I do that when I am the "perfect" queen of cold and ice "the free-spirited unattached soul" but having two of my most important relationships under the pressure of daily life taught me to express my feelings, and sometimes even get angry because that's how you express your feelings and from that you learn to embrace the other truly and fully and tolerate the differences.
My perfection was beautiful but exhausting and unreal. It made me live in a world of my own making. It was good and even sometimes I miss it but it didn't teach me how to live with others in the real world and coexist! My flaws taught me how imperfect I am, it taught me to embrace the imperfection within myself and others. It showed me that good enough is perfect because good enough is sustainable.
Most importantly, it taught me something completely new. It showed me that to be able to love is to be able to compromise; not compromise passion or love but pride and vanity. To see beyond my illusions and expectations, to seek true human connection and love.
Communication, compatibility, and harmony are never a given feature of any relationship. They are a status achieved progressively through the hardship of conflict. It is the recognition that this person is flawed as they are, you are flawed as you are and we decided to love each other and support each other as it is because that's good enough for us.
No fairytales, no great drama and no romantic perception of how it should be. If you care about the person beyond their obvious flaws, make it work. Don' try to change them and don’t ask them to change for you. Embrace their flawed soul and allow them to embrace yours. Realize that harmony is not a constant state of being and accept that. Work through cloudy days to be able to enjoy the sunshine with the company of people who agreed to live with your imperfection.
Thank you my best friends for showing me how to love truly. Thank you for accepting the stuck-up I am and loving me through that. For all, I had learned from you and for all the love I felt from you, I will always be grateful and will overlook all the mess and chaos generated through our time together 😋
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
- Rumi
