The Chemistry of Human beings

"The Japanese say you have three faces. The face you show to the world, the face you show to your close ones, and the face you show no one; and the last is the truest reflection of who you are." Although I agree in so many ways with this statement at the same time I have some reservations. The human nature is so complex that we constantly try to simplify it to ourselves, we might be aware of this complexity but in most cases, we really can't comprehend what is beyond the surface, and that's exactly what drives me to believe that we as humans have more than three faces.

Actually, we are different with each human we interact with, we change and transform based on others interaction with us just like any chemical component in this life. Some people might make us valuable but the interaction with other might turn us completely toxic. We still the same person in the core to both of them and to ourselves but each one brought out a different version of you to the surface. The poisonous reaction doesn't mean any of the components necessarily toxic, but the elements did react to each other in a way that created a poison. The same when it comes to human nature, we are the chemical composition of our lives and our background, habits and nature are the elements that sometimes doesn't go well with other people and despite our effort to bring a different result, the result remains the same every time we try.

It is much easier to believe that we are a component with three very tolerant elements that can bond and mix with other elements equally the same; therefore we try and try. Thinking we can create whatever we want, which can give us a feeling of comfort and give us hope to try more. Until we discover too late that there was a mistake in this equation, or even worse to never know there was a mistake a keep trying, lose hope or eventually hate the world because it doesn't make sense or fit well to the preconceived ideas that simplified human nature and life and made us all believe that thing is as simple and superficial as they seem to us as spectators.

We keep feeling bad for some feelings we have, blame ourselves/others or even feel insecure toward so many things and never even try to think to accept the fact that sometimes things are the way they are for a reason and although we might know the reason doesn't mean we can change anything about it. Especially when it comes to other people with all their complexity and chemistry. We accept so many things in life; like not mixing Chloramine and Ammonia because we know they produce toxic gases but in the same sense we keep coming back to toxic people repeatedly hoping for a different result all the time from our interaction with them but we end up disappointed and hurt because we think we are only "this and that" so how come I am "different" with this person.

We might be the sweetest person ever but there are few people bring out the worst in us, and after that, we feel bad and ask why that happened and try again and we get to the same situation that started this. A better option is to ask ourselves why we felt that way and understand if (most of the time) we behaved poorly without obvious reason that means we responded to unconscious triggers the other person sent us. That doesn't necessarily mean they sent it consciously or on purpose so the best option is to let it go; in sense, it is not their fault nor yours, just some people don't get along and that's it. And instead of wasting time and energy we should just accept them as part of life.

We might be in a relationship or have a family member that always bring negative emotions to us, and because we think we should have one face to those close to us we keep forcing ourselves, or forcing the relationship to go in the way we think it should be. We struggle and suffer if it doesn't and blame ourselves repeatedly for not trying hard enough or feeling the way we feel. But guess what it doesn't get better and most of the times time won't make it better. Of course, understanding and compassion always help but when basic chemicals are reacting violently with each other best option is to accept that and make peace with it, and NEVER force it. Yes it is difficult here, it might be someone very close or dear to us, someone we have been with for long time or even someone from our own blood but that doesn't mean we have to force our interaction or expect a positive result. It is much easier and mature to accept that this person is the way they are for a reason beyond our comprehension and that we have a reason to be the way we are. This by itself create a sense of peace; it resembles putting Chloramine and Ammonia next to each other but in sealed glass containers. Yes, they are there on the same shelf but we didn't allow them to interact.

The same with our feeling; acknowledging and admitting the difference and not forcing deeper connection resembles putting our feelings in a glass container. Then not allowing ourselves to interact in negative experimentation is like putting a seal on the container. So we can be in the same room with a person that triggers a negative reaction but still avoid all the discussions or situations that will make both of us go to negativity. Or even sometimes we have to put an end to toxic relationships and resist the urge to go back and try again or fix it. If people didn't give you the desired result at the beginning, most probably they wouldn't give you the desired result at the end, no matter how much effort you put. The best option is to choose peace over everything and give ourselves the freedom of being. Without preconceived ideas from society, family or even culture and philosophy. We are our own being, if we feel something deeply wrong inside of us, most of the time it has a logical reason that we will discover at some point. Just our complex nature and layered psyche make it hard to see sometimes clearly and realize things in real time. But after a while, everything seems clear and things tend to fall into place.

We are never one thing or another, we are EVERYTHING and the unlimited universe is our limit!

Regrets

             Everything comes to an end; good or bad, long or short it has to come to an end. Time keeps running and we keep chasing time, not consciously realizing that we ourselves will come to an end one day! We run and run behind illusions, ideologies and many promises. We forgot who we are and in so many times we lost the ability even to recognize ourselves, our needs or even our own desires. We developed, grew and got smarter for sure but we lost definitely our primitive identity, recognition and in so many times even our orientation.

          Everything is hazy, has no soul and definitely grey as fuck today. No reason, no logic, and no feelings. We are turning to live robots that have fucked up itself in the promise of finding a better life. Wasting the one life that we know of, in the sake of an uncertain duplicate, mediocrity or tempting mirage. We are throwing away certainty to end up on the lap of deceptions, delusions, and fantasies that were fed to us over and over again. Having faith in everything except our own authentic uncorrupted self.

          Everything is a belief, and faith is everything. But we choose to give up that power, throw it away and leave ourselves exposed and powerless for the law of probability and coincidence. Just to run away from our responsibility of making our own mistakes, failures or even choices. We gave and giving up every day the one most valuable thing we genuinely possess for the possession of useless material shit; that will never fill the void left by the loss of our freedom while running in the marathon of "I want more" to reach "I need a bit more" to finally reach "I regret this" destination, when it is too late to take a detour.

            Everything speaks less loud than regrets. Nothing hurts more than the chances we didn't take. And no more waste than unlived life; a life that has been wasted on all the wrong things, to please anyone else but ourselves.  If you will ask me the only thing that lives forever I would definitely say regrets, they consume us every second, since the day we realize them until the day we die; and most probably even beyond death. Life is worthless, we are the only ones able to put a price tag on our own. Some will have a rich life by challenging all they were programmed to do,  some will keep it worthless by being just to be, but the worst will fill it with regrets.

As Bukowski said:

“My dear,

Find what you love and let it kill you.

Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.

Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.

For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”

My Journey Back to Life

            It is powerful to see yourself from another person's perspective. A healthy unbiased perspective that points you to all wrongs and helps you to see how to fix whatever is wrong. Sounds too good to be true but it is not. That's what I discovered recently.

During the past 12 years I was depressed, high functioning depression that made it so hard for others to spot it, and even sometimes it was so hard for me to spot it. I knew there was something wrong but my vision was too blurred to know I am chronically depressed and I should get some help. I only acknowledged my depression finally when it reached what I describe as the final stage where I was living in continuous survival mode trying to decide if this life is even worth living. The question of life worthiness made me realize that I need help like NOW and act accordingly. There were many issues to seek treatment for, chaos everywhere which made it even harder to find the proper therapy but I would say I was lucky to find the Psychotherapist I found and proceed with my therapy immediately.

I am a relatively crazy person, I love thrill, adventure, and can be dangerously fearless but my first session with the therapist was by far the hardest and most scary thing I have ever done in my whole life. It wasn't because I didn't want to open up or seek treatment but it was because just heading to the unknown of my own self and I am not really sure what I will find, which is very scary especially for a person like me who thought they are so much self-aware of their psyche but obviously I knew NOTHING.

At that point, I was very bad, socially withdrawn, lost lots of weight, and was barely functional. But I was very excited about the therapy and thought I will be done in no time. The first stage was quite easy, though many practices we tried to reactivate the feeling good part of my life through some activities and basic shifts in behaviors. All was great and I enjoyed that part very much. Until the period where I started to feel better and thought the therapy wasn't doing much good for me. I started to have flashbacks, horrible nightmares, and grinding my teeth all night without having an obvious reason. I decided to quit, and I was so arrogantly sure that I am already fine, so I talked with my therapist and after a heated discussion, we agreed to continue.

To be completely honest  I only agreed to continue out of stubbornness, to see what he will reveal more and I was quite confident he won't find much but... I was completely wrong and only then the real therapy started.

               The second part was the hardest after we agreed to continue and discussed the issues I had to ask myself an honest question: what Am I scared of? and I had to discover that I was afraid to lose myself as I know it now. I was afraid to acknowledge that my favorites parts of my character "protectors" are also the villains who caused my depression. I wasn't ready to give up that because I felt vulnerable, exposed, and weak. I had a crisis; if I am not the strong, wise, emotionless, and logical Manal then who Am I? how I will respect myself? and how I will be confident and be proud of myself? I was confused about how what made me the person I like also made me the person I dislike at this period.

All of this didn't make much sense especially I always thought I was very conscious even about my unconscious but I couldn't be more wrong. I had to rediscover my "protectors" and how they function together to make me unbalanced by trying to overprotect me from any harm, it was my hunter instinct that was unable to survive or adapt in modern life and needed a little bit of coaching and therapy to realize life is not always a hunt, war or struggle of survival. And I had to question my sacred logic and see that what is logical can be not so logical under a different light. All this was so scary, so threatening that in so many times I acted so not myself and felt many times that I was fighting with my ego that wanted to keep all the parts of me even if that meant to stay as I was depressed and unhappy.

While I was at this stage I tried LSD, it was also one of the things I was scared to take, I tried few things and always didn't hesitate to try but when it came to LSD I was so damn scared. I didn't know if I was healthy mentally enough to trip inside my head but I was as well so eager to know how that will affect my thinking. I tried it and to be honest it was the best decision I made in my whole life, the timing with my therapy made a perfect combination of self-discovery and I was able to put many feelings and thoughts into perspective. It wasn't that out-of-space experience, I just had better consciousness of my thought patterns and behavioral locks that kept me in the same place for years. I was capable to shut down my ego when I need it and more important to realize when my ego is talking. That was both enjoyable and extremely hard, I loved this because for me rediscovering yourself is one of the most important things in life and to have a clear unbiased inner perspective is the ultimate thing that can happen but unfortunately it is not that easy. It requires a lot of things that I am not even going to bother and describe here because I know for a certainty that most the people reading now thinks they already have it and continue practicing it.

           All the struggle, problematic traits, and chaos step by step started to merge into one harmonious entity within me; quite self-aware not only of my thoughts but with physical and emotional interaction with the world and instead of behaving all the time in fight/survival mode I started swiftly to follow my own physical sensations and emotional urges. All fell into place and suddenly instead of creating scenarios in my head and living in my own thoughts I just started to live in the moment and act accordingly. At the beginning of this stage, my therapist was quite shocked and had his own doubts, I wouldn't blame him since he only knew half of the truth and probably my progress was rapid that he wasn't sure I really got the point or I am trying to convince him of something (or at least that was my impression of his reactions toward me during sessions). But the truth is I was changing rapidly and I was surprised how my behavioral and mental habits shifted so quickly, I wouldn't say I was superhuman although I would like to believe so I genuinely believe that LSD helped me a lot during this journey. I feel the way my mental capabilities shifted and enhanced and every day I live with this feeling of extreme awareness of my surroundings, people, and myself in a very harmonious way (sometimes overwhelming even) but I would rather live in this awakening than to be dead from the inside as I was before.

The most awesome part about this stage was how I saw people change based on my new behaviors toward them and I was extremely shocked to see them open like beautiful flowers when they are touched by vulnerabilities, love, and genuine emotions. I discovered that no matter how badass, cold-hearted people pretend to be; the moment they are touched by the warmth of genuine fearless emotions all the ice melts and reveals the most beautiful relationships and people. And that was so overwhelming to see before my own eyes and feel with my own heart.

Meanwhile, the most asked question I got during the therapy from my friends was; did you discover anything new? Or what change you had to make? To be honest, I wasn't quite sure how to answer that, I needed some time to reflect on the whole thing and understand how this fucking happened!!!

After a while I just realized I didn't really change or discover anything completely new, I actually very much went back to practice my habits when I was a kid which was very ironic at the beginning. But then once it settled it made so much sense; I remembered how much happy and level-minded I was although I was quite young. So, the answer to that question is, I only had to practice self-awareness and go to my uncorrupted self! as easy as that might seem, trust me when I say IT IS NOT. To be able to be truly self-aware you need to discover what is usually holding you back (during the therapy we called them my protectors like perfectionism - avoidance - judgment) you have to define when is good to use them and when is bad; and how they affect your life positively and negatively. This part is the hardest ever; no matter how good you think you are it is going to be a struggle. Later you have to listen to yourself, and by yourself I mean everything. Not only your thoughts but as well emotions and physical sensation and always question what you really feel. Most of the people I know think they are self-aware because they are self-aware of their thoughts but that's not completely true and I can dare to say it is quite deceiving; at least from where I stand now. Thinking and analyzing is a great tool to make rational decisions but believe it or not when it is not synced with emotional needs and feelings it turns to be very irrational sometimes, which if you ask me was weird to discover and quite shocking. But you will not fully understand it until you try it. 

Lastly to react and interact with the world from these three parts of you in sync. To make it more coherent; for example, before, I was thinking while interacting with someone too much and analyze how I should reply or interact back. which was making me instead of listening carefully get into self-discussion and maybe miss important parts of the conversation. But as well I was stopping myself from showing any emotions because I thought I don't want to make the person in front of me feel judged or uncomfortable; which honestly now I think was very ridiculous. 

All the time I was living in my head, in my own fear of my own vulnerabilities and that reflected on all my interactions with other people and it was inconsistent because my body was showing different signals while I am behaving. It was as well the furthest from rational; if someone is talking to you they fucking need human interaction and warmth otherwise they will talk to a chair or call some consulting service!!!

Now after my long journey I try to not think so much, I just allow my body to follow my heart and mind and guess what they all in sync. So most of the time there is no inconsistency and no internal fight; if I want to hug someone I do that, if I feel tears in my eyes I don't stop them, and if I get angry, sad, or even happy I completely show it and don't judge myself for my human behavior.

               After all, do I think I am done with all of this? Hell not! I think that was just the beginning of a very long journey of self-discovery and I am quite sure with the type of character I have there will be major setbacks to come, but the good thing I can say I have the tools to deal with them one by one before they gather and form a solid mountain that burden my shoulders with unnecessary weight. I know that I love some destructive parts of my existence but I will try always to be aware of how they can be destructive to my own soul which is something I highly regard. Despite all I do to myself I always try to never allow myself "consciously" to corrupt my soul but guess what? I was doing that by being overly overprotective of it. Sometimes it is wiser to let go of our guard and try something completely new despite our own fear. 

Although depression wasn't something easy to deal with I am grateful it led me to all these conclusions and allow me to rediscover my own psyche. I think I am sometimes too arrogant to admit many things and if I didn't have the depression to set me back and let me seek help I wouldn't really see the need to see a psychotherapist, but now I discovered that I will need to do that every once in a while. Even when I think I am completely healthy; not only because we are as a human so delusional most of the time but as well it is really great to be able to meet someone who is able to see your bare soul and guide you to a better you. It is certainly so fucking scary but I honestly believe is completely worth the sweat and tears along the way.

We as humans ONLY see what we want to see, and most of the time we refuse to ask the question or seek help because we are deep down are afraid that someone will tell us the bare truth that will require our action and effort to make things different which is extremely hard and goes against our own functioning. Remember that, as Voltaire said once “The human brain is a complex organ with the wonderful power of enabling man to find reasons for continuing to believe whatever it is that he wants to believe.” so if we want to grow beyond our current selves we always need to challenge our own beliefs and discover something completely new. 

Let's see how that will continue working for me :)

Let's talk about SEX

Recently, I was thinking about the sexual openness for our generation and how our perception of it changed many things in our lives. I wanted to assess if the current trend is something good for us as human beings or destroying us. Taking into consideration that I refer to sex usually as a biological need that we can’t avoid nor suppress but most definitely regulated within our own boundaries. I sincerely believe that the recent sexual openness is something positive but unfortunately as anything in this life it comes with side effects that might be disastrous in the long run.

I love hearing people discussing sex as a regular topic and being able to explore and experiment. It is wonderful to see people being honest about what they desire and matching that with the right partner. It is extremely healthy if you ask me, that people express their sexual needs and seek to fulfill them in an appropriate manner! All this indicates that we as a generation are able to break social boundaries, develop freedoms, and seek honest self-awareness that enables us to be who we truly are without fears. My hope it will extend to other aspects of life since sex is one of the “taboo” topics that usually in many cultures not preferred to talk about.

Despite all the positiveness that surrounded the sexual openness during this period, came the concern of how lightly we should we take sex? And why or why not should we treat sex as compensation for other needs. It seems to me that many people these days will have sex with anyone they want to, for one reason or another. Either to be perceived as hot and popular or just to fulfill their needs. Not taking into consideration that sex shouldn’t be taken this lightly all the time. I do realize some people desire it more than others but food as well can be looked at this way! Does that mean we can eat all the time we feel like eating something? Do we just put all junk food inside our bodies without concerns? Of course no healthy, level headed person will do that. Why? because they care about their own health. The same goes for sex and even more strictly, because the harm doesn’t come only health-wise but as well as psychological and spiritual wise if we can call it this way.

Having too many partners or having sex with whatever option we have doesn’t only risk our health but as well affect us deeply in ways that we don’t realize in the short term. Actually, I personally believe that many of the issues within our generation related to intimacy, connection, and security comes from our perception of sex and how we use it these days and most of us don’t even realize that. As I said before it is very healthy to fulfill your desires whenever needed but also important to learn how to control them. Eventually, it is something we all can control most of the time and we should be able to do that otherwise it will only grow uglier most of the time.

It is so sad that many of us substitute intimacy with sex, hide their insecurities with many sexual partners, or denying themselves a genuine human connection for the sake of new sexual adventures. Sex is a great tool to bring two souls together creating some sort of connection, but unfortunately many of us nowadays just forgot all that and instead of using sex as a tool, sex became the purpose and the only purpose in so many cases.

I don’t want to sound lame, an idealist or a romantic, because anyone knows me slightly, know that I am none of these and add to that I have a very liberal approach toward sex but recently I was overwhelmed by the relationship's dysfunction we have in modern life and was trying to understand what went wrong for us here. I realized, (that might be my personal perception only not the actual facts) that we are afraid to open up, connect, and show our vulnerabilities. We are willing to go all the way and pretend so many things just not to be intimate with someone - I don’t mean here getting naked kind of intimate - rather soul connection, passion, and intensity. We are all so popular, awesome and one of a kind just to hide our insecurities, fears, and loneliness, but that is not the saddest part. The saddest part is that so many of us got so good at this game that they don’t even realize the problem and will never allow themselves to admit these things ever and they will keep doing this until it is too late and only then they will end up with whatever available kind of option instead of what they really want and need.

It is really pathetic misusing one of the best things in life this way. Sex is a great tool to feel connected, to get intimate, and be secure in life. No matter how much we will deny this but we are social creatures and we strive on love, security, and stability and sex is one of the things that help us to achieve these needs, that’s why we need it so much besides the obvious biological need to procreate. Nothing better than to find a person that you are sexually open with but as well can connect, share intimacy, and feel secure with. But instead, most of the use trying to fill a void within themselves with sex but I guess that void is only going to get bigger and bigger. There come periods in anyone’s life where they need to explore, discover themselves and find out their options but it gets a bit tricky if the person gets too much into this way of living and forgets what real connection feels like. They start to have unrealistic fears of intimacy and insecurities that help in creating a gap between this person and any person they get close to and with that, they keep running in circles of disappointments they never are able to escape.

I shamelessly never deny that sex is one of my favorite things in life but that will never make me refer to it as the most important thing in life because for me it is just the tool to get much more important emotions and needs. Unfortunately so many confused the emotions and needs with the tool and continue to abuse sex seeking the emotions they lack but will never be able to get out of it what they want. Sex will never compensate for lack of love, or for true human connection. Sex only enhances these feelings, intensifies them, and fills the small cracks in our souls because most of the time security is what we looking for and love is what we truly seek.

It is wonderful to be sexually open, experimental, crazy, and weird but it gets to a different level of the divine to be all of these with a person who accepts you, loves you, and genuinely cares about you. A person who will be there for you not only when you are open and crazy but as well when you are broken and insecure. Someone who will comfort all your fears and ignite with you all fires. I just hope that this is only a phase for us as a generation that we are going through but eventually will rationalize and realize what really matters and stop trying to compensate what we really need with just what we think we want. My ultimate wish that people embrace their vulnerabilities and hold dearly their brokenness. I hope to live long enough to see that happening!