Non-attachment Philosophy

Sometimes life seems like a continuous cycle of suffering. One heartbreak follows another, we try to see the light but the darkness prevails eventually. I can't remember how many times I have been asked "would life always suck like this?" my answer usually is "probably." I am not totally an absurdist, but I do believe our animal brain default program is suffering. We don't remember the light because it is safe but we always remember the darkness because it is a threat. Meaning that although bad and good events in life probably occur similarly, we feel and remember them differently. Our brain tends to remember bad for a longer period for survival purposes. The question is, how we can skip this? How can we see life as it is not as a continuous cycle of suffering? For me, I found my answer in Buddhism; Buddhism as a philosophy of life. I found a lot of answers that resonate with me and made me not only more rational but way more human than I have ever been.

The Buddha in his first sermon declared the four noble truths which are considered the essence of Buddhism. Why this is important? because the four noble truths address suffering. Buddha's diagnosis of suffering linked to the human attachment to permanence for a temporary life. The first three noble truths addressed the existence and cause of suffering then the cessation of suffering through the fourth noble truth of the eight-fold path. Because human nature is programmed for survival and survival thrives on the idea of permanence. Therefore, the Buddha teachings are reprogramming to our animalistic nature and reforming it to reach enlightenment, not through the religious practice of the Buddha teaching but embracing its wisdom.

Our animalistic nature that seeks permanence in everything needs to be reformed to be able to understand the philosophy beyond our physical and emotional cravings. It is methodical in its approach to suffering and seeks the underlying causes of human suffering which provides psychological depth to the argument. I don’t believe that Buddha's teaching or Buddhism is a set of instructions that guarantee a life of happiness. Rather my personal belief that Buddhism is a break from organized religions which provided salvation through the submission to a set of rules. Buddhism at its core is a life philosophy that provides guidance to achieve level minded approach to life which can get us closer to enlightenment. Therefore, my understanding of the Buddha diagnosis for suffering is not constructed set of actions to break away from suffering rather a philosophy to embrace suffering as a part of the whole life. The Buddhist value of non-attachment doesn’t seek austerity for itself, rather the discipline which comes from it and the emotional regulation associated with it. 

Many argue that Buddha might ignored the human nature that is by default built on cravings (food-sex-curiosity …etc) however, my understanding of the Buddha wisdom is not to suppress the need but eliminate the excess. And if we embrace the truth of impermanence even then we can deeply understand that impermanence as it affects the positive side of our life it affects the negative and our temporary inability to suppress the excess is just a momentary mishap if we don’t get fixated on their happening. Simply put, Buddhism doesn't ask us to be inhuman. Rather embrace our humanness, our shortcomings, our victories, our happiness, and our misery because all of it no matter how strong it is, it will pass. The only permanent truth of this life is impermanence. The moment we understand that contradiction we will find our nirvana. And by the way, nirvana is not bliss or ecstasy. The literal translation of nirvana is blowing out as "liberation" liberation from all attachments and looking at life as the passer-by we are. Peacefully observing life knowing deeply that the cycle of life continues no matter how we feel about it.

The genius about the Buddha's philosophy and the hardest part is, it is a contradiction by itself. For so many years I opposed it because I thought it was irrational, how we can ask humans to be less human. But what I finally understood that it actually asks humans to be more human. When it promotes non-attachment, it doesn't mean to not feel at all. Rather feel it with humility, and let go because when we let go we earn our liberation, our freedom from suffering, from control. To embrace bravely the impermanence, and our inability to control life.  And that is nirvana: a release for samsara.

"The very first noble truth of the Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last—that they don't disintegrate, that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security."

Science is Not an Opinion

If I am going to put a title for 2020 it would be “The Year of Ignorance”. We encountered an unprecedented rise of conspiracy theories and pseudoscience. The scientific community was severely undermined by defending its integrity against unfounded doubts! I have always had so much respect for science, and despite my spiritual and rebellious nature, I would not allow myself to doubt the scientific community without a reasonable cause. It bothers me to see the world reaching this stage of servility to please the fools and provide them with the platforms to spread ignorance. Luckily, ignorance can never defeat the truth or change the facts. And opinion will remain a mere point of view and scientific facts will remain the only truths we know until it is proved otherwise.

According to Cambridge dictionary; “Science is the careful study of the structure and behavior of the physical world, by watching, measuring, experimenting, and the development of theories to describe the results of these activities” in a process called “the scientific method”. While Science aims to falsification; opinions on the other hand aim to confirmation. This means that a test can show a scientific claim to be false, but no conceivable test could show an opinion to be false. Science is testable, opinions not really. Another important difference is that scientific claims are regularly evaluated by the scientific community which is a process designed to assess the validity, quality, and originality of the scientific work. Its ultimate purpose is to maintain the integrity of science by filtering out invalid or poor quality work. However, opinions are a personal judgment formed not necessarily based on facts nor evidence.

Understanding the difference between those two is crucial to elevate the discussion in a modern world where everyone is “entitled to their opinion”. Many discussions around conspiracy theories and pseudoscience these days cannot differentiate between scientific facts, scientific hypotheses, and opinions. Since the whole scientific process is built on trial and failure, and usually the scientific method made up of mistakes because that’s the only way to truth. These trial, failures, and mistakes are used by the simple minds to refute science, not understanding how actually science work.  It is fair to say that science is a very complicated topic and trying to simplify it does more harm than good. Scientists many times cannot comprehend science from different fields which completely rational and understandable. We don’t expect a neurosurgeon to be able to perform a cardiovascular surgery, and certainly, we do not accept the opinion of a regular Joe on a medical procedure. The same goes with all other fields of science; reading scientific papers and news does not give anyone enough knowledge to unfoundedly doubt the scientific community no matter how intelligent the person might be.

Usually I am a strong supporter of the individual liberty to debate and question everything, however, we should have a common understanding of what is reasonable to debate and what is not. I have always encouraged polymathic abilities but that doesn’t go against our need as a civilization for specialization. Specialization gives us an in-depth understanding of the world and allows us to advance rapidly. We can always debate, question, and discuss our ideas and doubts but the final opinion always belongs to the scientists/specialists no matter how we feel about it. Those specialists/scientists spent their whole lives cautiously and carefully studying, researching, and conducting experiments which took a lot of knowledge and experience. If a person finds themselves eager to debunk a fact they should possess equivalent knowledge and experience otherwise it is just foolishness. Sciences and the scientific method evolved during so many years through a slow process, and still evolving as long as we live. The moment we comprehend that is the moment we can have an intelligent discussion about science and the world.

“The real purpose of the scientific method is to make sure Nature hasn't misled you into thinking you know something you don't actually know. There's not a scientist alive who hasn't suffered from that one so much that he's not instinctively on guard. That's the main reason why so much scientific information sounds so dull and so cautious. If you get careless or go romanticizing scientific information, give it a flourish here and there, Nature will soon make a complete fool out of you. It does it often enough anyway even when you don't give it opportunities. One must be extremely careful and rigidly logical when dealing with Nature: one logical slip and an entire scientific edifice comes tumbling down. One false deduction about the science and you can get hung up indefinitely”. Robert M. Pirsig

Wisdom

 

There was a time, where I believed cynical was cool, I thought expecting the worse was smart and realistic. I went on in my life thinking simple is naïve, and you have to be somehow bitter to be able to meet life. I lived my life, went through hard times believing deep down that this suffering is what will make me a better, wiser, and smarter person. In some way it did, but as well it broke me into hundreds of pieces scattered everywhere. It took a lifetime to see through that and will take another lifetime to put it all back.

I said it before, we are living in a time of pretend. We are living in an era of fear of emotions – fear of faith - afraid of going deeper than the surface. We believe that intelligence is the only thing that got us here. Ignoring so many aspects of life that don’t fit in our perception of how life should look like. We got too arrogant with all this technology, rules, and advancement we reached, and sincerely we forgot completely where we came from.

The truth is, we forgot that despite the complexity of our lives and choices; life itself still pretty simple. We created these complex philosophies, ideologies, and structures attempting to understand our existence and within that chaos, we got lost. We started to see life through the chaos, complexity, and even misery we created. But that is not necessarily how life should be. Life is a projection of our desires and wants. Life is a field of energy that starts and ends with us, we can use it as we wish. The question is, can we take full responsibility for our lives and choices? 

Without long philosophical conversations: Life is magic, and the inability to see that magic is just ignorance on our part. Realism is a failed attempt to understand life. Cynicism is the lack of wisdom to understand the simplicity of life that lays before us. And bitterness is the response to our feeling of incompetence. Intelligence is beneficial to help us discover life, however, intelligence is not wisdom. Wisdom is that wonderful equanimity acquired through experiences. It is the ability to see through all complexities in humble dexterity. 

 

Projecting Pain

         "She met him on Tinder, they developed an instant rapport, had interesting conversations, and finally agreed to meet for a date at 5:00 p.m. on Wednesday. On Wednesday She finished work earlier so she decided to take a book and go to the coffee shop half an hour earlier. At 4:30 she ordered her coffee and went to her table and started to read. at 4:50 p.m. she started to check her watch, then at 5:00, she looked around and no one was there yet. 5:10 nobody showed up still, but she waited. by 5:30 she was out of patience, then 5:45 she grew angry. Finally, at 5:50 the guy showed up with a smile on his face and apologized for being late before he could explain the reason for such a delay the lady was so angry that she stood up told him angrily that he didn't respect her or her time and stormed out of the coffee shop feeling angry and frustrated with this situation." If I ask someone to assess this situation, most people will say that the lady didn't do anything wrong. She was on time and waited for the guy who was almost an hour late. She had "the right to be upset" but people might disagree with the way she left the coffee shop. Similar situations happen to us daily, we don’t question our emotions, nor their triggers. We go with the motion of right and wrong not taking into consideration the complex psychological nature of our reactions and how they are made.

Going back to the story we can ask the question of why the lady was upset despite the fact that she had free time, she even had a book and went earlier to the coffee shop. Her answer was she felt disrespected. I follow with the question: why someone's time management skills could indicate their respect for us or the lack of it?? Usually, the answer comes in the context of “ because I feel…” and that the truth of it. Because we feel disrespected and that comes from us, not the other person. Most probably the truth is that the lady projected her feeling on to the guy, because of a deep-rooted old wound from her past where she felt unimportant to her parents or fought for their attention; she had this programmed in her decision making and reactions and she found the logical explanation to justify her reaction as appropriate and blamed the guy for her anger. If this old wound created an illusion of value (time = respect or love) this lady might be locked in a series of disappointments because she keeps assessing her value to others by time and she might feel like others are disappointing her and letting her down constantly while she is involved in self-inflicted pain and unable to take personal accountability of her own emotions.

I chose this story to start my post to explain how small reactions we find logical and might be doing every day is the key to our suffering. Namely this time the art of Psychological Projection. Lately, I had an extraordinary experience that revealed to me my own self-deception and I started to think about others and their techniques of self-deception. In the past, I mastered the art of projection but after my CBT I got better, yes I developed since then advanced self-deception techniques but I am at least aware when I am projecting and how to deal with it. The best thing about exploring projections is the fact the more you dive into it, the more you can heal old hidden wounds or adjust unhealthy values. Projection happens when we blame others or life itself for how we feel. Projection is saying we feel this way because he/she made us feel this way without questioning the root of our feelings. Projection is avoidance, we don’t want to be accountable for how we feel and we have a reason to avoid that. Deep down this feeling, there is a wound and in the core of this wound, there is a fear that we think we are unable to face.  Therefore, we avoid at any cost to go there, we live at the surface where we have a logical explanation for everything. But beyond logic lies the truth.

Why is one of the most powerful words. Why opens the door to everything, it enables us to question the foundation of our existence and foundation of everything. I have learned to ask myself “but why?” whenever I do something, whenever I feel something, whenever I want something I ask myself “BUT WHY?” and I keep going until I reach the core of everything.

Statement: I love cooking.

-        Why do I really love cooking?

Because I enjoy making food.

-        Why do I enjoy making food?

Because I like to share it with people I love.

-        Why do I like to share it with people I love?

Because it shows how much I care. It is the way I like to nurture others and care for them.

With this simple dialog with myself, I transformed a simple statement to a deep psychological exploration that revealed more than just a hobby. I love cooking because I grew up at home where love is shown by how much we do for each other. That’s why for me what I do for you is how I say I love. When I was a little I was sick and I wasn’t eating much, therefore, whenever I say I want certain food my mom will go at 3:00 am to the kitchen and defrost the meat and cook and at that moment I felt the most loved which created part of the foundation for my expression of love. The exercise of WHY? Can be used to dig into everything. It allows us to transform our projection to healing. So let’s go back to the story of lady punctual and try to transform projection.

Part 1: Acknowledging the emotion behind the reaction:

The statement “ I am angry because he was late”

-        Why I am angry he was late, I could have continued reading the book/I could have left after a certain time and rescheduled/ I could have started a conversation with the girl on the next table ..etc

Because I felt disrespected.

-        Why did I feel disrespected?

Because when someone doesn’t come on time it means they don’t care about you

Part 2: Living back the memories:  

-        Why do I feel that time is an indicator of care or respect?

Because I grow up in an environment where when I showed up late for lunch my mom would tell me that I didn’t care about her and disrespected the family OR I grew up in a family where my father spent  all his time at work to provide for us and when I asked him to play with me he would tell me that all that he does is for us to have a good life.

I didn’t like that and I felt terrorized/neglected but I knew that they cared for me and that time they spent away was for us.

Part 3: Personal accountability:

I know that the guy triggered an emotion that was hidden inside of me. I should call him back and apologize for storming out and propose another time to meet.

Although the experience wasn’t pleasant but it allowed me to see beyond my reactions and emotions. (Taking responsibility for my feelings and reactions. Build a strong differentiation  between projection and justified reaction)

Part 4: Embracing the change:

Next time I feel angry I should ask myself why. Am I really under time pressure? or Am I feeling uncomfortable for some hidden reason? Am I overreacting? Do I have anything else to do meanwhile?  How I make this easier for me? Maybe I shouldn’t go early to appointments so I don’ grow frustrated ….etc (building strategy to face this situation and defuse the triggers).

Projection is a mechanism of denial, it is a tool to avoid personal accountability. Projection is a programmed defense mechanism that protects us from fears that are deeply rooted in the darkest part of our psyche. Projection paints our lives in confusion, let us run with hopeless illusions and be imprisoned by vicious cycles of habitual self-deception and destruction. The only way out is by extreme honesty and taking responsibility for our own life. 

As Carl Jung said: "The most dangerous psychological mistake is the projection of the shadow on to others: this is the root of almost all conflicts" 

An Experiment called "Life"

“Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?”

At some period of my life, I adopted stoicism. I was in a lot of pain. Stoicism philosophy helped me to be mentally tough, resilient, and content. I managed to go through hurricanes and battles and come out of them with minimum damage. Stoicism in so many ways similar to my pragmatism. It is just seeing the world as it is and deals with it accordingly through 4 virtues: Courage, Temperance, Justice, and Wisdom. It is summarized in the statement by Epictetus:

“For it is within you, that both your destruction and deliverance lie…..The judgment seat and a prison is each a place, the one high, the other low; but the attitude of your will can be kept the same, if you want to keep it the same, in either place.”

Stoicism believed that a fundamental key to reducing suffering and living a content life is to make a clear distinction between that which controllable and uncontrollable. To understand this distinction we can focus our energy and time on what we can influence and come to accept what we cannot. All great so far, but actually what made me abandon my stoic approach to life is that Stoicism promotes tuning down emotions.  Not getting too high.  Not getting too low.  It encourages disengaging from the exterior world because getting too caught up in things will always disappoint.  This is could be a safe approach to life, will make you content but from my personal perspective, you will never taste true happiness. The intensity of life makes us feel alive – makes me personally feel alive – and I wouldn’t give up that ever to live mediocre contentment.  Having big dreams even if they fail, getting attached to people, to concepts and to things even when we know we will lose them all at a moment is what is this life is all about. That taught me although the mysticism approach is safe yet weak because simply humans get used to anything after a while of practice, no big deal there. The real challenge for me is to stay conscious right in the middle of it all. It ain’t easy and that’s why I like it. I want to feel disappointed and hurt because these are the feelings that enable me to appreciate when I am truly happy and accomplished. But the trick is to know WHEN to disengage, HOW to tune down your attachment to anything, and BELIEVE deeply in reality as it is and genuinely embracing it. That for me was the true practice for the stoic virtues. Therefore, I created my own philosophy from everything that made sense to me and made me truly myself.

Stoicism was great because it supported my view on vulnerability. I didn’t want ever to feel or show myself vulnerable so I toughened up and didn’t allow myself to show who I truly was. I wasn’t comfortable showing that not because I was scared of judgment but because I didn’t want to remember that side of me or acknowledge it. It was easier, much much easier to behave as I never cared because to care is to feel and I didn’t want to feel. I kept a safe distance from everyone, even from myself and that was that for many years. At some point, I felt numb. I was always content and in peace. I don’t get angry but I don’t get excited either. I was not getting sad but not thrilled as well. I was observing the world through a bulletproof glass wall that made me safe through the battles I endured but taking away my real life and I decided to change that.

It was difficult, still very difficult not to run away and hide behind my glass wall. It is a challenge for me to recognize the moment when I am acting on my past trauma but I am more mindful than I ever been. I know I have an avoidance attachment style and I recognize when it is activated. I use the secure attachment part of my character to tell me what to do and how to react toward people and situations personally and professionally. That challenge keeps me motivated because I know I am challenging myself, challenging my background, and most importantly living my life to the fullest, no regrets. Believe it or not, living this way made it easier to accept reality, to move on when necessary and surprisingly enough even to have better compassion toward others. Being true to yourself is like being tidy. It requires effort and routine but very rewarding long term. Besides the aesthetic part of it, it’s functional. You know where is everything you are looking for because everything is organized in the same place all the time. So it is easier to recognize. Same with the psyche, if you are true to yourself, do things as you feel them, you are not ashamed of admitting the reason behind them and keep enough distance from your ego, you are keeping your mind and soul tidy. However, we can’t kill our ego and the sense of “I” so reality sometimes hurts, but you get used to the feeling because you know for a fact that life is a rollercoaster; once you are up, once you are down and each leads to the other.

Life is about taking risks and learning lessons. I would rather live one life to the fullest than a thousand lives safely. Wisdom created through hardship and there is nothing more beautiful to me than having enough wisdom to recognize life, people, and the situations as they truly are and accept that with a heart full of gratitude and appreciation.

As I started with Ernest Hemingway, I will end it with him:

“I did not care what it was all about. All I wanted to know was how to live in it. Maybe if you found out how to live in it you learned from that what it was all about.”

 

 

Translation: Those with volatile friendliness cannot be trusted, who expose secrets cannot be trustworthy, the ungrateful cannot be reliable, who keep breaking your motivation cannot be dependable, whoever comes to you only in their free time cannot be genuine.  If you wouldn’t be careful of all the above, you cannot be trusted for yourself.

Arabs for so many centuries known for their skills in reading body language and high emotional intelligence. Arabs were traders, their well-being and the thriving of their business depended on their ability to communicate effectively and understand the others instantaneously, and so they did for so many decades. That’s why I started with the Arabic statement. I am somehow proud of the Arab part of me, as much as it caused me so much hardship in my life, but it has given me an incredible opportunity for growth and see the world from a very unique position. Generally speaking; Arabs are emotionally intelligent, they have an activated intuition and in most cases can read a person very well. The down side of that they are very expressive and emotional, shortsighted and can be easily manipulated. They are present at the moment which make them tuned to the moment but might be a blind for the future. I took that, nurtured it, but thankfully had the upbringing to be pragmatic and think long-term thanks to my amazing father. All of that made me who I am today; a mixture of grounded crazy yet weird person.

Call it a curse, call it a bless. I am not so sure how to describe it but that’s me. I do feel everything, I can read almost everyone and I am rarely wrong. I know what is rational yet my sympathy can change my perspective. Spo usually I know what needs to be done but sometime I don’t

The Survival of the Fetish

Fetishes, kinks and fantasies reveal part of the unconscious yet need to be understood. The issue is that people rarely are honest about that part of their lives, not only with other people but as well with themselves. We lived years of mental suppression of human sexuality, which made people unable to explore or reveal their sexuality uncensored. There are layers of complexity that made this topic one of the biggest taboos to discuss. And that’s exactly why I decided to write about fetishes, kinks, and fantasies this time.

Society has condemned sexuality to hide in the shadows of life, but why? One debated reason is that during the beginning of what we know as the human culture, there was an intention to control the frequency of sex due to its biological consequence of producing babies which were a problem due to the extension of the sexual maturity and life span of women and the decrease in the mortality rate of babies. Another reason is psychological; it is said that sex was a reminder of our animal nature. We dealt with our mortality by creating values that added sense to our lives and our animalistic nature was a threat to these values, which kept us from confronting the inevitability of our mortality. Additionally, if we think about it in a psychoeconomic way, we can see that human nature craves whatever taboo; the more scarce a concept is, the more we are willing to discover it and even pay for it. There are many industries built on sex, and there are billions generated. The idea that sex sells is a fact, and many industries benefited from it, simply sex got very profitable and there is no real intention to change our modern system.

            Ancient civilizations' approach to sex was completely different, rather the opposite of what we have in modern life. Ancient India produced the first book on human sexuality, many people are familiar with “Kama Sutra” but are unaware that this Sanskrit text was more than a sex positions book. Actually, the book is a guide to the art of living, the nature of love & pleasure. The book consists of seven chapters that cover almost every possible aspect of Kama. The text discusses the object of human pursuit and mentions desire, sexuality, and emotional fulfillment as one of the proper goals of life. The text chapters address methods for courtship, the art to be socially engaging, finding a partner, flirting, maintaining power in a marriage, when and how to commit adultery, sexual positions, and even same-sex relationships. All this has been discussed openly around 400 BCE.       Ancient Chinese were not shy about sex either, the Chinese literature was loaded with many sexual references. Even the Book of Changes, which is a spiritual book, emphasizes and used sex as one of the ways to explain the world. As well, we can thank ancient Japan for eroticism. Around the eighth century AD, Japan produced the first erotic novel called The Tale of Genji. Erotica was considered as a central art form for the nobility, similar to painting, and music. Even ancient Greece and Rome had a very liberal approach to sex before the arrival of Christianity. Similarly, the Arabic peninsula was very promiscuous before the Islamic era and had the opposite view on sexuality that it adopted after the spread of Islam.

            Understanding the history of human sexuality is essential to understand fetishes and fantasies.  Similarly to sex, fetishes, kinks, and fantasies are the result of early conditioning experiences or as a consequence of strong emotional or physical experiences. That doesn’t mean necessarily that these fetishes have negative psychological triggers but rather formed by non-sexual experiences a person found arousing during early life. And that is exactly why I opened my article with the statement, “Fetishes and fantasies reveal part of the unconscious yet need to be understood.” The same fetishes and kinks oftentimes driven by completely different triggers to different people, and it could satisfy them in completely different ways. First, exploring that and then understanding it can be revolutionary to that person. It is not only about the pleasure and the satisfaction resulted from the experience but as well the possibility of conscious revelation resulted from practicing freely what a person likes or truly desires. Another aspect rarely spoken of is bonding; level minded Fetishists/kinksters couples have a higher level of understanding and trust among them. Those couples are able to share their darkest secrets and desires without fear of judgment. They built up enough trust between them to be able to exercise extreme practices or be in helpless positions knowing that their partner will know what to do when it is needed to be done. 

More and more in today’s life, we are warming up to the idea that fetishes are not deviations anymore, they are not pathology either. However, suppressing a fetish or worse trying conditioning it can cause psychological damages. Many Psychologists now believe having a fetish is actually healthy as long as it is expressed in a healthy way. Although the research and literature on this topic are very limited, it is widely believed that fetishists are healthier/happier than those who don’t have one. The reasons behind that are simple, couples who take part in fetishes are emotionally healthier because they have trust among themselves and possess a better ability to communicate their needs and desires and have to be very sensitive to the needs of their partner even without talking sometimes. Another reason that the same biochemicals in the brain released during sex like endorphins and serotonin also flood the brain during pain; therefore a little pain might improve the sexual experience and climax which promotes better healthy life ;)

            As Frank Zappa said: “Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible,” and that’s what I deeply believe in life. It is important to explore life and go out of the path that was designed for us to discover new experiences, new feelings, and new destinations. These experiences might get a person closer to themselves, and if they are lucky enough to other people as well. Doing something unexpected or uncommon can be utterly refreshing. It revives the rebel inside of a person and makes them believe in their ability to reach new heights. It is one of the ways to freedom and divine. Even ancient India and China thought that sex can be a spiritual practice that allows people to attain enlightenment through pleasure. The whole concept of tantra in Hinduism and Buddhism was challenging standard religious practices similar to most of the fetishes that challenge social norms regarding sex. And similar to tantra, it focuses on “being.” However, how a person can use that focused energy and the state of being right here right now is completely dependent on their intentions. Some will use it to obtain a higher level of consciousness of themselves, their psyche, and their partner. Others will use it to distract from themselves and even possibly use it against others.  That doesn’t mean fetishes/kinks are pathological, rather the way it is used by some can be destructive, like anything else in this life. That’s exactly why we shouldn’t look at fetishes in a pejorative way.

            Fetishes are another way to rebel against the tutelage of society; it is a chance to feel omnipotent in one's life and exercise their own ultimate freedom without fear of judgment or punishment. It is an extreme act of love, trust, and even spirituality. But it remains limited to those with a great deal of equanimity and valor.

I am into what I am into, you are into what you are into. We don’t have to agree on our preferences, and if you are happy and do no harm to others, then go on and indulge yourself.

              

The Problem is Your Mindset, Not Your Flaws

We are all have some flaws, most of the time we need to explore and understand them. Even attempt to fix them but completely get rid of them, that could change the core of our being. This is a simple concept, but many of us struggle to understand it. The majority believe flaws are something we need to get rid of to be able to be better, this is far from the truth. To understand the depth of our biases & inhibitions does not necessarily mean to kill it. It means to track it down, understand the triggers, find the source of it and rationalize the cause and only then practice enough self-control and discipline to stop ourselves from falling to the same traps.

The issue is most people go to war against themselves to kill their flaws. Some understand it is something to fix not to get rid of, but they stop at stage one or two. Rarely people are mindful/conscious enough to go deeper and if they are, unfortunately, the majority of the time they lack enough discipline and self-control to say “NO” to themselves or stop themselves from repeating patterns. That gets even harder when they feel vulnerable, then there is an excuse. The issue with this mindset is getting trapped in a vicious cycle of occurrences that they blame on the world and that makes it even harder to find the motivation to break free because from inside the cycle it seems it is all inevitable.

Here we can understand that mindfulness/consciousness alone is not enough. Mindset and habits are a huge part of the process. Being mindful with a fixed mindset creates even more suffering, people under this category are suffering the most. They are aware of all necessary but they lack the attitude to drive the change. They see everything and attempt to change it but then they are unable to overcome the obstacles or have enough determination to get it over with because they tend to relapse easier than people with a growth mindset.

On the other hand, being mindful and with a growth mindset, those the rare species. Those people are aware, mindful, and conscious. Have enough discipline and self- control to push themselves to overcome the obstacles and challenges they encounter through their journey. We call those people lucky or fortunate but the truth is they are neither. Those people endure more pain than others and they have a great deal of valor than the rest, and they do all of this in silence therefore, we consider them lucky.

I always say, life is way more complex than we think of it. There are too many aspects of life that get us where we need to be. It is never about one or two things it is almost always about the combination of aspects that allow us to live happily or in misery. The only constant thing is that we are the force behind everything and that the universe is connected in a magical way. It seems too good/bad to be true (depends on your perspective) but observing the world can lead us to this ultimate fact. There is no luck, no coincidences in this life. It is all part of a sequence of actions that we consciously or unconsciously take. It is easier to think of them as arbitrary because then we are less responsible for whatever happens to us.

We can think of all this complexity as a beautiful thing which allows us the opportunity to transcend to a high level of being and enjoy the good and the bad as part of the lessons to the enlightenment. Another option is to think of it as chaos and suffering we have to endure until it is the time to depart. Again it is a choice we are to make, to live the life with a light hopeful heart or burdened saddened heart. Ken Kesey once described this so beautifully:

“It isn't by getting out of the world that we become enlightened, but by getting into the world…by getting so tuned in that we can ride the waves of our existence and never get tossed because we become the waves.”